Today I am trying something new. I will be posting the script from one of my journal entries (dated: 05.10.2015). It may be a bit personal, yes, but I am trying to keep on track with honesty to y'all so here it goes.
Recently, I have struggled with loneliness. I thought I had found friendship in my coworkers (since then, it appears I have. Something I am grateful for.) and I know I have not been the brightest light to them, but I was trying to earn friendship first before digging deeper. Perhaps those bridges are still being built (I believe, now, they are getting somewhere).
I have also felt as though I have been failing God recently, but He has been continually showing me His love and has been opening my eyes to His faithfulness and grace.
To have faithfulness one must live up to the trust they have been given by another.
God is always faithful, so it is a wonder that it has been so difficult to put my full trust in Him when He has proved Himself time and again.
I am grateful for this time, as rough as it has been at times, because I have developed a deeper and more real understanding of God's grace and love towards me. I am still learning to put my trust in that because I tend to think very poorly of myself, but I truly believe what I have known in my head so long is finally taking residence in my heart.
There is still work to be done, of course, but I am grateful that the process has begun and that I have been given the ability to recognize it. This has been an answer to prayer.
I am learning a lot as I still stumble along mostly blind, but God is making progress within me, albeit slowly it seems. That is my own fault, however, due to my hesitance in completely trusting Him. I am making progress though and that gives me joy and peace.
Selfishness is still a large thorn in my side that tends to reveal itself in many ways. I know there is much I fail at daily and that I can do better, but I do not want to just make rules to abide by because that is not where true healing and change come from.
I must continually lean on God's grace and know that it is sufficient. Out of that trust He will continue the good work He has begun in me. I just hope that He will use me for His glory in the meantime.
Love is my focus, though I fail at that so often.
I will continue to try and trust God will make up for the rest.