Sober Reflections: One Year Later

Recently, I celebrated one full year of complete sobriety! I had previously quit taking drugs long before I said goodbye to alcohol for good, so my freedom from alcoholism (usually the cause of the subsequent drug use) is what I am writing about today.

I sat down several times to write this, but as has been the case recently; I struggled to write. I had plenty to say and many directions I could have taken this, but none of it felt quite right. It felt almost forced and came out as sporadic word vomit as a result. I almost chose not to write anything at all, but I feel this topic is especially important yet seldom discussed. It is easier to just continue your own journey and be grateful for your victories privately. Since I have made a habit of doing my best to be authentic in my writings, and in my daily life; I have plenty of practice just letting it all out there. People seem to respond best to that approach, so why change what works?

For those yet unaware, I greatly struggled with alcoholism for most of my twenties. It started out innocent enough with the occasional beers with friends, developing a palate for a myriad of scotches and others forms of alcohol, or the occasional night cap after a particularly long day or week. Over time I built a preference for every type of alcohol there was and mostly drank because I enjoyed it. It helped me relax, calmed the noise in my head, or gave me a boost in social situations. I discovered recently, I am a learned extrovert, so I guess alcohol served as a kick starter for bringing me out of my shell. I genuinely believed it helped me be more comfortable in my own skin and brought my 'true self' out.

For a while, I truly could take it or leave it. I was just fine at parties without alcohol as I was at ones with it and I could just as easily enjoy a root beer as I did a real beer, so I am not exactly sure where and when it all went south for me. I read somewhere it is like getting caught in a pitcher plant. You are the fly or bee looking for something sweet. When you first land on the petals, you enjoy the sweet nectar and are not in much danger. Unbeknownst to you though, the nectar starts sliding you further into the gullet of the flower. By the time you realize what is happening, you are in too deep and unable to fly yourself to freedom. I believe this aptly describes what happened over the course of time. To try and pinpoint the turn in the road is both futile and does not truly matter in the end. What matters is I got in deep and never thought I would make it out. By the grace of God, I did make it out and I express my gratitude to Him daily for leading me out of the pit.

I have been asked before how I did it, so I will do my best to explain the process I went through to get to where I am today.

The first thing I should mention is this nasty addiction cost me everything before I ever had any success in recovery. I should not even be here to write this to you today, but I am so I feel the burden to speak the truth. I truly hope not everyone needs to hit bedrock before they decide things need to change. 

The worst part of alcoholism, or any addiction, is you think you have hit rock bottom many times, but there is always deeper. I knew things needed to change for a long time before I ever did anything about it. The problem is, you get so deep not only are you used to the drowning after a while, but you also forget which way is up. You are then left with a mountain of issues you are not sure are traversable. Alcohol fogs up your mind and takes you to some very dark places mentally, so to try and muster any courage or confidence in making a change is nearly impossible. By this point, you have stacked up countless regrets, many of which you try and forget with even more alcohol. Hopefully, there comes a tipping point where you no longer are too prideful or ashamed to reach out for help, but fear of admitting the struggle is what keeps most in the thick of it. It is simply easier to keep ignoring the problem and putting it off for another day.

Since I no longer had anything more to lose, I started from square one. It is incredibly disorienting not knowing who you are anymore, and the feeling is exacerbated when left in the environment which served as the catalyst for all your brokenness. So, the first thing I did was leave said environment that perpetuated my problem. This was a huge step at the time and led to my first tastes of victory, but I quickly found out a change of scenery, with all its excitement and newfound determinations are not enough. Your problems follow you and, when not dealt with properly, will rear their ugly head again.

My first real breakthrough in stringing several sober days together came after I decided to join a program. I started learning all I could about alcohol, heard how others had overcome, and did my best to put all suggestions to practice. I learned a lot and took several important steps during those first few months. At first it was stop and go and what once was daily drinking morphed into binge drinking. Things were starting to change though! I had to remind myself sometimes when progress seemed slow or I had taken a step back, at least progress was being made, however minor. At the very least, I was moving forward, learning in the process, instead of remaining stagnant as before.

Up to this point, I had mostly been walking this path alone. I think I needed to for a while to give myself some time for trial and error, as well as slowly build my confidence with every small victory. Aside from family, I kept my journey mostly to myself. The small victories added up as knowledge grew and eventually got to a place I felt comfortable being sober. Weeks began to pile up and it no longer felt like such a chore holding back. I had found alcohol free alternatives I thoroughly enjoyed, a major boon early on, and started enjoying things I had long forgotten about again. I once again developed an appetite more furious than I remembered it ever being and began enjoying food again, both cooking and eating it. I was transitioning out of squalor and survival mode into genuinely enjoying life and all the little things which had become background noise over the years.

Then, I made friends again. I cannot express enough the pivotal importance this factor played in my recovery. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, puts it this way; "Convincing someone to change their mind is really the process of convincing someone to change their tribe. If they abandon their beliefs, they run the risk of losing social ties. You can't expect someone to change their mind if you take away their community too. You have to give them somewhere to go. Nobody wants their worldview torn apart if loneliness is the outcome." In my case, I had already left any tribe I had known and had difficulty finding a new one to connect to. I was a scrawny, lone wolf starving for a pack. My choices made me an island and I was desperate for a ship to pass by during my long, dark night. This is another wicked consequence of alcoholism. The further you go, the more isolated and lonelier you become. You feel the heavy burdens you have placed on yourself and those you once held dear. You are afraid to reach out for connection because you do not want to hurt anyone else, so you choose to continue suffering alone.

It was during these vagabond days my beliefs changed. There was no risk of losing social ties, so it provided me the freedom to learn and change on my own. It may very well be a necessary ingredient to recovery having the space to process, but part of me believes I would have tasted victory sooner had I reconnected to a healthy community sooner. The community I ended up finding towards the edge of complete sobriety was my oasis in the desert. Some of these people I knew from long ago, some were brand new to me. From someone who had a hard time trusting anyone, especially myself, I am grateful these people proved trustworthy.

At this point in my journey, I was still playing with the idea of moderating my alcohol intake. I had gone several weeks without a few times, so my self-confidence was improving. I thought if I had these new friends to keep me accountable, then I was less likely to falter. It worked for a little while, only keeping it social as at the beginning of my dealings with alcohol. When we keep the door cracked open though, our rivals sneak in without notice eventually and we are back to where we started.

I'd shared a bit of my struggle with these new friends and my new girlfriend but assured them things were now under control. I honestly believed it at the time. I hosted a game night at my home I thought lost the year before and it was a grand time! Some alcohol was left behind, which I did not think would be a problem, but the thief comes in the night to remind you of your weaknesses. With the failure complete, I came to a crossroads. Do I keep on in secret as I had for many years, or do I risk these new friendships to give honesty and humility a try? I knew the latter was the right choice if I was to ever experience true, lasting victory. I decided to own up to my mistakes and ask for help. With great fear and some literal trembling, I fessed up and it made all the difference. I went out on a limb with these people, and they responded with the grace and love I had needed for a long time.

The thing with fear is it makes you believe in lies that rob you of the chance to experience the truth. Had I once again succumbed to that fear and the lies it was speaking to me, I may very well still be battling alone. I pushed through though and was welcome with open arms. This acceptance of my humanity and the encouragement I received calling me higher was the kill shot to an awfully long battle. From that day forward, I had the courage I needed to continue facing these demons. Since I knew I was no longer fighting alone, I had the strength to press on towards victory.  These friends of mine would check in on me and be there to pick me up if I faltered. They became more sensitive to the battle I had been fighting and made sure I never felt left out. 

There is a sense you are at the kids table when first committing to sobriety while your friends still partake around you, but it is better than not being included at all. My wife and friends would always make sure there were alcohol-free alternatives for me at social gatherings where alcohol was present. They all expressed a tangible love towards me on a consistent basis and I believe my current success is due to their support. Instead of losing their friendship or respect, as I feared, I garnered further respect and became closer to them than I had been with anyone in a long time.

It is not easy acclimating to freedom. At the beginning, you still feel the weight of your now loosed shackles like a phantom limb. As you adjust to this new life, a new fear emerges: am I absolutely free? You begin walking in this new direction and you swear you still hear the rattling of chains. You continue walking though, one step at a time, and the sounds of your former bondage eventually fade away. Sometimes they visit you in your sleep and you wake with a start, drenched in sweat, convinced you slipped again, but as you come to your senses you feel the sweetness of freedom unlike any peace you have felt before. It was only a tremor of memories long gone as your subconscious continues to adjust. One day, you take a good look at yourself and wonder if it was all just some terrible nightmare because who you have become is such a stark contrast to who you once were. It is in those moments you can't help but be filled with gratitude and a little pride. You realize you have been transformed to a new creation and the fleeting memories now only serve as a reminder to what you are truly capable of, for better or worse.

Some of you may be wondering if I ever miss alcohol and I can honestly say I never even think about it anymore. When you give up one thing which once cost you everything and in turn gain more back than you deserve, would you miss it?

I traded years of spotted memories for the ability to be present and take in every moment. My mind once scrambled is clear, as is my conscience once riddled with guilt. I now wake up every day to my wonderful wife, when I once woke with injuries I do not remember getting or wondering how I even got home. My body now feels whole, when once it screamed at me, pleading for relief of the daily abuse I was putting it through by subjecting it to poison constantly. I can give my all at work and am considered an asset to my company, when once I was struggling just to make it through each day, fighting paranoia someone would smell it on me or worse, and counting the minutes until I could feed the monster again once home. For the first time in my life, I don't stress about finances, when once I had to decide between a crap meal or a tall boy with the alcohol winning that battle every time. I am living the life I always dreamed of, but never thought I deserved. I even learned to love myself in the process and am finally living a life of integrity. I have nothing but high hopes for the future, when once I felt utterly hopeless. 

So no, I do not miss it one bit. Instead, I now hope I can somehow help others through their own long, dark nights.

The Difference Loving Yourself Can Make

For too long I believed there was something inherently wrong with me. I never seemed to measure up, never seemed to get anything right. I knew I was always being watched, so God forbid I ever fucked up publicly.

When you are put on a pedestal, you learn to keep your sins hidden. All that does is allow the filth to fester and create quite the double life riddled with anxiety and paranoia. Who can you turn to after all? It felt like nobody. I kept such a face I was mistaken for God once. Little did they know how human I actually was as a post-pubescent teenager.

For whatever reason I have never had difficulty making friends and apparently admirers. Perhaps it was my quick wit and humor that won everyone over, but I honestly think it was because I never judged anyone. Something about being there for people where they are and truly listening/empathizing with them works. Weird right? It shouldn't be. We are all our own messes.

With time I discovered how to let myself be known. At first the anxiety and paranoia were still there, but as I slowly released my own darkness to those I trusted and found out they did not just recoil and promptly reject me; I realized I am not alone after all. Oh, I can breathe without having to look over my shoulder?! Thank God you can relate! In time I became convinced nothing is really worth hiding and I ran with that, for better or worse.

I will say people are more prone to open up when you take the initiative. I think we need more of that dynamic in our relationships. What we are so afraid of is usually nothing in the end. Our habit of psyching ourselves out either keeps us frozen in regret, or coming up with a half truth scenario we think the other/s would like to hear. As terrifying it may seem, honesty is always the best course of action. Not only is it healthy for your own well being, but it helps to separate the chaff from the wheat.

This blog has served as a sort of open journal for me in the past. I wrote what I was not entirely comfortable talking about in person with anyone. At first, I was terrified, but I soon found out a lot of people related to what I was saying, so I kept writing. It not only helped my confidence to grow, but it taught me a lot in the process. I am no longer afraid to say it like it is and I only write now if I feel it serves to speak truth and hopefully help others.

It is an entirely different world when you accept who you are and learn to love yourself. It took me a long time, but it changed everything for me! When you come to know your worth and believe the words spoken by those you love; it changes you. No longer do you feel the need to hide and life seems primed to bless you. You learn to take care of yourself and the rain cloud that has haunted you your entire life turns to clear skies. Clarity is finally born and you begin to wonder how you lived so differently for so long.

Everyone deserves to feel comfortable in their own skin, and if you find yourself struggling to accept yourself please reach out. I for one am here to listen and help you realize your worth. We all have something to offer. Most do not realize it until it is put out there. You could be pleasantly surprised!

Stop hating yourself and punishing yourself for mistakes you have made. The torture only makes it worse on yourself and those around you. Own your mistakes, but learn from them and choose to grow. You are beautiful and your story deserves to be told.

Overcoming Adversity

Accept what it is and adapt, or sink deeper into the void of despair. Those are the options, and I have tasted both.

Admittedly, I have drank deeper from the latter than the former. 

It seems easier, after all, to just wallow in defeat. The effort to stand up and overcome seems to be too much to bear at the time, but it’s necessary if we are to become who we are meant to be despite adversity. 

I tend to have tunnel vision. I put too much focus on what is going on around me in the negative, than considering the bigger picture. That is natural to do. When you are wounded, you focus on the wound in order to heal as quickly as possible. 

What if it cannot be healed quickly, or at all?

Imagine you ‘healed’ from something, just to get a negative diagnosis in the future. It happens all the time. 

Healing is important, but it’s too easy to focus on recovery and we lose all focus of everything and everyone else in the meantime. 

There is a tendency to feel guilt during this time of recuperation. There are feelings of worthlessness and desperation. We try our best to belong, to be present, yet we more often than not are overwhelmed beyond our efforts and it leaves those close to us scratching their heads. No one is to blame. 

At times these events lead us into insanity. We may act out towards those we love in irrational ways. We may even go so far as to fashion a noose around our neck in an effort to escape the situation completely. Yet, that isn’t the answer. Though we are blind to see it at the time, we are needed and wanted. 

On Being Alone

Sometimes it is a choice, sometimes not. Solitude can be both a blessing and a curse. Whether it is intentional (you need some space, or time to yourself) or unintentional, I believe we were never meant to be alone. 

For a while now, I craved solitude, yet now that I have it..I would genuinely welcome an interruption. We need space, sure, but it should only be temporary. We were made for connection after all. 

Sometimes life is too much, and isolation seems so overwhelmingly attractive. Whether it be laying in our bed for a while, or choosing to leave the scene completely. I, for one, am grateful to the friends that didn’t leave me that way in those moments. 

Though at times we don’t recognize, or want to admit it; we need each other. 

I also understand some people may not have anyone to pull you from the doldrums, and that makes me sad. It’s in my nature to be there for people when they need me, and I am grateful it has mostly been a two way street. 

For those who don’t feel like, or literally, have no one to seek solace with, I grieve with you. My hope is this becomes a rare occurrence. 

In these times, I understand the notion of not wanting to be a burden, and there are times where we just don’t have the energy to ask for company. Hell, we may not even recognize we need/want it. That’s okay. 

My encouragement to the lonely is: when you need space, take it. When you are isolating yourself due to anything other than needing space, try to be open with those around you about it. My hope is they understand, will give you some space, but won’t leave you to wallow forever. 

To those on the outside: please respect our boundaries, but don’t be afraid to step in if you feel we need it. Though we may object, a lot of times it’s exactly what we need. 

For Grandma Lair

For Grandma

The fire crackled in the hearth as the snow fell in flurries outdoors and Madie sat in her easy chair rocking while listening to an old sermon tape. The sermon was on the Fatherhood of God, something that was sometimes difficult for her to understand.

As she listened intently with her Bible open on her lap the back door flew open to little Daniel standing in the cold. He wore a blue stocking cap that had a white ball on top and white tassels hanging from the ear flaps. Daniel took off his coat and shoes by the door and came in to warm up near the fire.

“Just a minute young man; you come give your grandma a kiss!”

“Aw grandma, do I have to?” complained Daniel.

“If you don’t, then I will wrestle you to the ground and kiss you anyway.” replied Madie with a smirk.

“Okay…” said Daniel as he resigned himself to receive a kiss he proclaimed he didn’t want, but deep down enjoyed receiving.

“Thank you Daniel, I love you!”

“I love you too grandma.”

Madie sat and watched Daniel by the fire while the other children continued to romp around out in the snow. They too would be in soon to warm up a little while by the fire before going right back out into the cold again.

Young Danny let out a little, barely audible sigh, yet Madie heard it all the same. He looked sad with his shoulders slouched as he seemed to be gazing into the flickering flames of the fire, deep in child-like thoughts.

“Danny, is something wrong my dear?”

“I’m okay grandma.” replied Daniel without turning to look her way.

“Sweetheart, I know something is wrong. Your body language and that little sigh says it all.”

“What is body language grandma?” said Daniel, this time turning to face her.

Madie sat up, leaned towards Daniel and replied, “It’s the way your body presents itself depending on how you feel. It is a way people communicate without using words. That’s why I knew you were not telling the truth, because although you said one thing, your body and that sigh told me another.”

“Oh, okay…”

“Now that I have your attention; are you going to tell me what is bothering you?” asked Madie.

“I don’t know…” said Daniel with a bigger sigh this time.

Madie got out of her chair and paused the sermon. She then went over by the fire, sat down next to Daniel and also gazed deep into the lively flames. After sitting there a bit with him, she again pressed Daniel for what had him down.

This time Daniel gave in, and with his lower lip starting to quiver he told his grandmother, “Michael and me got in a fight, and he said he doesn’t love me or like me anymore, and then he pushed me to the ground.” A single tear escaped over the lower lid of his right eye as Daniel tried to remain strong.

“Now why would he say that?” inquired Madie.

As his eyes continued to fill with tears Daniel replied, “Well, he was building a snowman while Marie, Nicole and me were chasing each other in the snow. I wasn’t looking where I was going, and I ran into his snowman and ruined it. Now he has to start all over. I didn’t mean to!” Daniel began to silently sob after his confession. He did not like to cry, but he felt so terrible, yet he knew grandma loved him and would not make fun.

Madie sat there holding Daniel close while he sobbed silently in her arms so he may be comforted by her embrace. It was not long before he began to calm down when she said, “Honey, Michael was upset and did not truly mean what he said, but all the same it was not right to react to you the way he did and say what he said. I will have a talk with him later.”

With the issue off his chest, and knowing his grandma would take care of him, Daniel felt much better, but hoped that Michael would not get in too much trouble.

“Thank you grandma, I love you.” he said before getting up to go back outside again.

“I love you too young man!” responded Madie with another kiss on his cheek before clicking the sermon back on and returning to her rocking chair.

For Whom the Bell Tolls

Try to imagine you’re buried alive. You panic for a bit, but decide it’s best to keep calm. Alas! There is a string buried with you! You give it some pulls, gently at first, then vigorously as your desperation increases, yet no one is around to hear your death bell toll. 

That’s what severe depression can feel like, and it’s very real while one is experiencing it. 

It’s not common for people to share this kind of thing with those around them, because at the time they are just trying to survive and don’t think to reach out for help. It’s not always because they don’t want to burden people, but often because one becomes so engrossed in suffocating they think in millisecond moments. 

It’s become more and more common these days for people to actually understand when one does broach the subject of depression, because more people seem to understand or have the ability to relate from personal experience. As sad as it may seem that more people understand what it feels like, I think it’s a good thing, because it has become easier to find people with whom you can relate and get advice from. 

Yet, there are still a majority of those that do not understand, and probably never will. They don’t recognize the signs, or they don’t seem to care enough to pay attention (we have also become adept at masking being okay, even happy. We’re skillful liars sometimes, just not wanting to make things worse, if we even say anything at all). 

If anyone has shared with you about struggling with depression, I can almost guarantee they have more than struggled with it, like a rash that won’t go away or whatever. Don’t brush over those conversations. Try to sympathize and learn as best you can when someone does open up to you. 

Pay more attention to people as well. Choose to notice differences in people’s demeanor, and do something about it. Anything! I can’t stress this enough, it could be a matter of life or death (I’ve been there). Try your best not to be those who arrive after the bell stops ringing. 

Vagabond of Brokeness

Humanity is a tapestry. Each of us our own stitch in existence.

Humanity is a broken mirror. Crevices abound and our reflection is nowhere near perfect.

Humanity is an orchestra. Alone we may make beautiful music, but together there is beauty that touches the soul.

To be human is a complicated formula with no perfect solution. We try in vain. We vex ourselves over the course of our lives and never get it perfect.

Humanity is an amalgamation of misfit toys stranded on an island, longing for love lost, and finding it in each other.

I once wrote, ‘I walked a line once blurred between reality and the absurd. The line is razor thin, but I will never be that man again.’ It is a comforting lie we tell ourselves. Always striving for greatness. Always falling short with pet skeletons in our closet.

Vagabond. One who wanders. No home to speak of, yet making the most of where they are at night.

Identities change, whether out of necessity, or the toll of life. What about the in between? The unknown flux one is not aware of in the moment until they are on the other side?

If my house had a name, I would call it Void. Free on its own with nothing to offer, yet it somehow brings others in. A mystery still unsolved.

Humanity is brokenness and I am the man who walks amidst the cracks.

A Day in the Life of An Addict

For those who do not understand, and for those who do. 

Take a quick moment, and breathe. You just woke up in the middle of the night just to roll over and take a few hits off your vape/went outside to smoke a cigarette. The craving has become that desperate. 

Breathe it in. 

You get home from a long day and want a nice cold beverage. You start with one, and before you know it, you are dancing on the kitchen table in your underwear. You wake up the next day and don’t remember anything, but the Snaps of your friends remind you. 

Breathe, and try to forget again. 

You are enjoying a good time with friends. Someone offers you an upper and you take it without a second thought. 

Breathe in the escape. 

You feel alone. You are stressed. There are several reasons you browse your computer for sexual release, but you do it anyway. 

The person/s on the screen breathe too. 

You wake up, and are in a bad mood until the coffee pot finishes it’s brew and you enjoy a few cups. 

Breathe. After all; you are not dependent, right?

You feel insecure about yourself, so your ears perk up at anything ‘juicy/worth talking about’. You crave the distraction. 

Breathe, and think about how others may be talking about you. 

You live in fear of being less than perfect, so you seek the praise/acceptance of others, losing yourself in the process and puffed up by a facade. 

Breathe. You are not that bad of a person, right? 

Breathe again. Who are you really? 

We are all addicted to one thing or another, so none of us have the right to judge each other. 

Seek to understand. Pursue the broken in others, because the reality is; we are all broken in one way or another. 

Above all, always choose love. The world is a better place that way. 

Broken Dreams

I walk these empty halls alone

They echo the sounds of sorrow

Reminders are all that remain

In these footsteps laden with pain

This house I used to call home

Whispers to me the misery

Of memories dead and gone

The consequence of all I’d done

This hollow space sings 

Of broken dreams,

Unspoken words and

Misplaced expectations

There is no longer hope here

No Joy on the horizon

Too long I’d held a deaf ear

Towards the one I still love

No comfort, no solace

No laughter in this palace

There is no revelry

On this ship lost at sea

Yet, I welcome the frigid air

As it reminds me of why I’m here

Lessons learned, I have grown 

Now I embrace the unknown

When God Dies

Where do I even start? I have been on an indefinite hiatus with my blog, but this idea has ate too much at me to ignore. I guess the premise of this blog is to chronicle the meltdown (and subsequent rebirth) of my Christian faith, if you will.

Those privy to my blogs may have noticed a more and more erratic desperation in my last several blogs. This has been explained in some part, but I want to lay all bare for everyone, in case of any questions/doubt. Perhaps, this will resonate with someone and offer encouragement. That is my hope.

This will be lengthy. You have been warned! 😉______________________________________________________________________________

I am not sure exactly when the 'half life' began. In terms of isotopes, I began to degrade gradually, until I became half of myself, or even nothing. I was as open with you all about this degradation as I was able, and I know it was a shock to a lot of people. Perhaps, that is because you all would get gradual, yet drastic, updates in my blogs.

For many it may have all seemed sudden, like a shooting star in the sky; falling before your eyes and then vanished. It did not feel that way to me. From my perspective, I slowly died. It was painful. This was the death of a very core part of who I considered myself to be. In my mind, He who I once loved most (God), not only died, but became irrelevant to me. That leaves large open wounds that do not heal easily.

I, in essence, abandoned the faith I was raised in; a faith I loved very dearly most my life. Faith like a child is supposed to be admired/sought after, right? But what happens when you grow up?

I had considered, and recently, re-consider myself a follower of the God/man Jesus. In a way that reality never changed, but it came to the point where it was no longer enough to keep me tethered to the Christian faith. However, I still could not quite dismiss Jesus himself, nor his teachings/the life he led as an example to us.

I began to question different aspects of what I believed in. Legalism disgusts me, as it did Jesus, and I think that is where this all started. I had become so caught up in how much I was 'letting God down', that I was always questioning my salvation, always apologizing. I got so tired of being 'a constant failure in the eyes of my God', that I found it easier to detach from God all together, instead of continually enduring the guilt cycle I created for myself. I knew God was supposed to love me unconditionally, but I failed to take that to heart for some reason.
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All seek love, yet love is almost undefinable. Love is a universal desire/need, that needs to be met in all people. Any corruption of love results in tragedy.

Jesus taught his followers to love the Lord your God, and secondly, love your neighbor as yourself. For those who do not believe in God, the second teaching is still very valuable. This teaching is what I tried to hold on to for so long, but it was not enough. I would always fail to love others as best as I could. I could never fully love God back, as much as He claimed to love me.

God claims to be Love, but if you do not believe in God, then what? How does one truly love others?

As I wrestled through my doubts, and subsequent atheism, I became too caught up in that idea. I would try to love others as best as I could, but I instead failed to be present with those I love, because I was more focused on my failures/doubts that I failed to love them in the end. I was so self-focused that I failed to be present with them and love them in those moments.

As I mentioned before, this process was painful for me. As I sought answers/tried to be as open and honest as possible; I spiraled out of control. I started to drink more and more. I became dependent on alcohol, just to cope. In fact, most of those blogs were written while I was drunk and in despair (this blog being the first in a while, where that is not the case).

I found some comfort in friendships. They allowed me to be me. They loved me in the moment, even as I failed to love them. They listened to my sorrows, and sympathized. Most of these friends people would consider to be 'nonbelievers', but they loved me through this process more like Christ would have, then most 'believers' would have. The solace one can find in 'unbelievers' is invaluable. How else are we to 'reach the world for Jesus', if we are not willing to be friends with them?

Yes, I tried to build bridges in order to reach those people, and ended up crossing the bridge myself, but I have no regrets. In fact, I will continue to cross that bridge, because as long as love is my focus; I do not have to fear my actions being a compromise. There is supposed to be no fear when you follow Jesus after all. Some of you may disagree, and that is okay.

There were also very key 'believers' in my life (elders in my church, family, and friends) who exercised the same kindness/grace towards me. Not only did they reach out and talk to me, they gave me the space to question and to go through the process. The head pastor even allowed me to continue playing on the worship team as an atheist. That was a big deal for me, because I love playing, and although I could no longer sing the lyrics with any conviction, I knew other people I considered friends still benefitted from those times in worship (especially my precious Beth).

I truly believe everyone involved, in all their own ways, has proven to have been of utmost importance to my well being. For that, I thank you all. It has meant the world to me.
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An atheist?! How did you get there?!

Good question.

As I worked through a lot of what I assumed to be true, there were a lot of things I could not reconcile. To put my main grief bluntly, I came to a point where I could no longer believe in a 'personal God', if that 'God' never made Himself personal to me. Other griefs have been blogged about as I experienced them. The rest is explained above, I hope clearly.

That main grief took the platform from under my feet, and as a result; I hung there, dangling from my own spiritual noose. God was already dead to me, and everything else I 'knew' dissipated. All I could focus on was how to get out of the situation at hand. Part of me still believed, in those moments, that only Jesus could save me, but the suffocation I was experiencing caused me to even doubt that notion. Therefore, I sought to save myself. I chose to do what I could to take the pain away on my own, but it all just made it worse in the end. I was still hanging there, the suffocation becoming worse and worse as time went on.
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No one will ever understand God completely. I get that, but if He is real, then shouldn't He interact with His creation in some way? That was the line of thinking I got so hung up on. I had never felt this personal, loving God interact with me. This may appear to some as a complete lack of faith, and perhaps it was, at least in some part. God chose to 'meet me' anyway. He knew I needed this, and came through for me when I had basically given up on all hope of salvation. One Sunday morning, He cut the noose. I finally felt peace. I finally felt relief. I finally encountered Love. This was such an overwhelming experience, that I felt compelled to get 're-baptized' shortly after.

It looks like the lot of y'all have seen my baptism, but for those who have not; God had finally became real to me. The only response in my mind was to rededicate my life to serving/loving Him, and others. Except now, I am no longer so self-focused. I have a confidence I did not have before, and this allows me to live in love, and no longer in fear. As a result, I can shift my focus on loving those around me as they need. I believe that serves, also, to be in obedience to God and express my love towards Him. Of course, I do not, nor will I ever, get this perfect all the time. Even when I fail, I will try to be conscious of it, and somehow make it right. I feel like I have a firm foundation I did not have before, and what I have experienced will always bring my focus back to Love. That is what I believe is the key to anyone of the Christian faith.

I know there will be skeptics, but no one can understand for themselves, save the actions of others towards them which shed light on the truth, or if they have had that personal experience themselves. That is my hope for everyone.

As always; I love you all, except now I mean it more truly. Thank you for reading.

What Is Truth?

Why do we feel the need to make ourselves stand out? Are we like a large pack of pups, all vying to become the alpha dog? That would be too animalistic of us humans, would it not?

Perhaps, we are more like the rest of creation around us than we care to admit. Every thing is flawed, therefore, every thing is striving to be better than the rest, but to what end?

What is identity? Why must we become individuals? Sure we are all unique in some ways, but why must we strive to be the most unique?

There are those admired who seem to stand out above the rest, but they too are flawed. We look to them with hollowed hope, but they can no more provide us with peace in our heart than the next 'hero'.

We love to look at those who are, in ways, above our own capabilities. We, in essence, live vicariously through them because they represent the best of what we could never hope to be, yet they all still fall short of perfection.

Kanye anyone?! 😜
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What is truth? What is real? Why do we exist? Is there validity to becoming an individual?

Think over this with me with an open mind.

We live, breathe, and experience the world around us.

To what end?

Without the hope of an eternal future/life; why are we here?

If we are all basically the same, why do we fight?

Does disagreement serve a purpose, or is it a result of our humanity striving to be number one?

They say, 'Iron sharpens iron.' Without opposition to our firmly held beliefs, would we ever become confident in what we believe?

They say, 'Tough love is necessary for progress.' This does not mean we should be assholes to each other.

Honesty hurts sometimes, but if we listen with an open heart and mind, we can think on the truth people tell us and perhaps find ourselves as better people as a result.
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I often struggle with what I describe as a constant 'out of body experience'.

I live life as normal, but the details often blur. Many moments pass, and it all feels like a distant memory.

Perhaps, I suffer from short term memory loss, or some other medical explanation, but in the end; it is all speculation, because I can recall details, but they are almost always vague to some degree.

Not really sure how that is relevant, but I'm sure I'll mostly forget. 😏
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What causes us to be inspired? We all have those moments of inspiration, right?

Is it a random fire of our brains that finally links stuff together?

Perhaps, there is something outside us that inspires us/gives us that feeling.

Perhaps, it is just merely chemical reactions in our brains that give us that 'butterfly feeling'.

Whatever it is, we all experience inspiration to some degree, but the difference comes in who/what we take inspiration from.

Again, why do we experience inspiration?
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Some people are born into success. Others earn it. A lot of times people 'get lucky'.

Do we have the right frame of mind, and motive?

To what end do we pursue 'success'?

Did you wake up this morning?

Congratulations!

So did billions of other people in the world. People with dreams and sorrow, desires and baggage, hope and desperation.

Just because we woke up in a better situation than millions of others, does not mean we are any more important than the least of these who live near, and far from us.

We all suck.

We all need help in one way, or another.

Some of us have just happened to inherit better situations than most of the world.
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Why strive to be an individual?

Would it not be better to look out for the betterment of the rest of the world, than to always pursue preserving 'number 1'?

How fucking selfish is that?!

No greater love is there, than one who lays their own life down for their friend/s.

We should all be friends.

But we are not, and that is because we have become too caught up in our own selfish, vain pursuits.

We fail to be observant of others' struggles around us.

I am very much an example of this.

I can very easily, and often do, get caught up in my own worries/desires.

I often fail to take everyone else's reality into consideration.

I am truly sorry for all I have neglected.

I am trying to forget about myself, and make an effort to have genuine concern for the rest of humanity.

I know I will never get that right, but neither will anyone else.
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So, what is truth?

I have no fucking clue.

I do believe that truth can be defined. I do not think it is relative as a whole.

Humanity has an agreed upon 'right and wrong', yet we do not always agree fully.

There is what has become law, but that law can vastly differ amongst people groups worldwide.

I have personally chosen the truth Jesus Christ set forth in His short time on earth. It is most logical when one thinks through all religions.

What other religion has it's 'savior' kill himself in order to save his followers? Normally, we try to sacrifice, abuse ourselves/others in order to gain approval from the 'god' we 'have chosen'.

Jesus is not about that shit. He preached love and died for it.

We also should pursue love and be willing to die for it.

What Is Love?

Baby, don't hurt me!

The question of love has been asked, and contemplated, over and over.

I am no expert, but I do believe we can all love better.

What does love look like?

To me, love means to hold one another in higher regard than one's own self.

Perhaps, this is why we have not perfected love, and why people still search for answers.

Looking out for our own self is so deeply ingrained in us that it has almost become a natural way to live.

I believe there is a better way, and there are a lot of people that get that concept, yet still there is a pesky selfishness which will always get in our way..

Jesus said that there is no greater love than to lay our own life down for our friends, yet He laid down His life for friend and foe alike. How deep that love must be!

I have been told I am compassionate and empathetic, and because of that I can look at a random stranger, almost see right through them, and sense their pain.

There are so many people who are hurting. People who are searching for love, yet cannot understand, nor model the love they so crave. This leads to more pain at their own hands, or an ever deepening pit of despair because they are too afraid to connect. They do not want to feel the pain of rejection yet again...

Some say love is pain, but we cannot understand one without the other.

Love can be painful.

Love can be wonderful.

Love is ambiguous, and mostly defined on an individual basis.

Love is god.

Christians claim; 'God is Love'.

God is a myriad of things, and so is love, so how do we define one or the other?

A good friend of mine told me, 'In order to experience God, you must be a part of the church, because if church is the 'Body of Christ', then we should experience God amongst our fellow seeking humans.'

I used to strive for a 'real, undeniable experience' with God, but this last year I let go of that vain pursuit.

I have come to accept that I may never experience God as the apostles did in their time. Perhaps, as my friend so aptly stated, 'Throughout history, God has worked undeniable miracles in one time, but then played a background character in the in-between.'

With all forms of faith, we gamble, but with Christ; it does not have to be a gamble.

I still struggle to fully understand that concept.

No matter how I fail Him, He still loves me. I do not have to perform to earn His love. It is freely given. I just need to accept it, right?

That is hard to do when you are heartbroken from hurting someone you are supposed to love.

I do not apologize for not having an answer to love. No one can for sure know. The closest we come is to go beyond ourselves, even to the point of death, to express love to those we choose to love, and even more so, to those we have chosen to hate.

May we all choose to love all equally, even those we feel driven to hate.

New Year, New Me?

It is that time of year. Time to reflect on the past, and plan for the future. Should that be done once a year? Surely, a new year dawning has some significance, right? It definitely feels that way, but is that a product of our communal conditioning?

I do not see anything wrong with setting goals, but we all should always be seeking to improve ourselves, not just at the turn of a new year.

I have also learned that one needs to find a balance when looking back. I have let the past consume and control me. No more. We must learn from our mistakes, but this should be a quick lesson learned in real time. You mess up. You rectify. You then do your best to not make the same mistake in the future. You do not allow that mistake to haunt you. You move on.

We can plan for the future, but history has taught us that the future is never guaranteed. We should not fret too much about the future. We can do what we can to prepare, but we also must remain flexible to whatever life deals us.

We can control the present. The present is always changing, yet it is the one thing we can react to. The past is gone. The future is unknown. The present, however, can be managed.

We may be making 'New Year's Resolutions', which is not bad in itself, but how can we actually keep to them? Some of you may be jaded against them, and have therefore decided to not make any goals for the upcoming year. I believe we all would like to improve ourselves though, whether we make a conscious effort, or not.

I have always tried to set yearly goals for myself, but have never taken them as far as I should. Like most, I would do well for a little while, and then the importance of those goals would fall to the wayside. This does not mean we should give up!

Once again, I made goals for the upcoming year. This time around; I have a different perspective.

This last year has been quite the ride personally, as you all have read about. It has been a deconstructive year for me. There has been pain, and there has been healing. There have been many periods of wandering and questioning. I am still wandering, and still questioning, but my hope is that this next year will bring some answers. I hope to further find myself, while working to improve myself.

I look to 2017 as a year of reconstruction, a year of completion in many areas of my life.

I am starting a new job at the turn of the year, and hope to also start my career by the end of the year.

I will make a more valiant effort than ever to finish my first book, and perhaps get published.

Who knows, maybe Beth and I will even be expecting this year!

To reconstruct, I must learn self-control and discipline. These are areas I have always struggled with, but I have hope.

Let us all, together, live in every present moment. Be present with those around you, because it could be your last moment together. Set aside the past. Forgive. As each moment dawns, let us try our best to be wise, and make the right decisions. If we fail, learn and move on. Let us not let failures define who we are any longer.

Building Bridges

Should there ever be a line drawn when it comes to loving someone?

My father always taught me that finding a way to build the bridge of friendship is the most effective way to open someone's heart to genuine love in the hopes of giving them a taste of the love of the Father.

I am a miserable example of this, but it has always been at the heart of my intentions when making new friends. My problem has been in defining the line with setting a good example versus relating to the person where they are at as a human being.

How can one balance being like the 'least of these', yet still remain above reproach? Is there a balance between relating to 'the nonbeliever' in order to gain their trust, and still living in such a way that does not 'turn them off'?

'Your heart is in the right place.' I would tell myself, but is it really true?

Romans chapter six talks about this concept. Paul urges his readers to not live flippantly, even though we are covered by grace. He encourages a higher form of living, but how can one be better than themselves, if they have nothing to live up to?

Perhaps, I was only seeking friendship for myself, and nothing more. Perhaps, I sought sharing my faith with those friends eventually, but never got the courage to. I used to think living by example was a good ideology, but my example is shit. I am no better than my fellow man. In fact, I am not sure I can call myself a Christian anymore.
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No matter what, fear has been involved. Jesus claims no fear is needed, so I have decided to do my best to not fear anything. It is a work in progress. If it was truly 'finished', than nothing need to be feared, right?

As mentioned in previous blogs, I believe in the man Jesus Christ, and what He claimed, but my struggle comes in making His teachings livable. Perfection is unobtainable. His unconditional love is what keeps me interested.

How can we love like this? Without a surefire, personal experience, is there any way that flawed humanity can exemplify Christ's example?

Yes, there is the Holy Spirit, who is supposed to be our Helper, but I have yet to experience Him/Her..

There have been people in my life who have been an example of unconditional love. Maribeth is the highest example of this. She knows of all my vices, yet still chooses to love me. I still do not understand why.
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'All my friends are heathen; take it slow. Wait for them to ask you who you know.'

All of us want to fit in with those around us.

I share this desire, but I also feel I take it a step further in wanting to relate to others, so they may feel love unconditional.

This has led me to compromise in many ways.

I have joked crudely.

I have drank too much, too often.

Is it all for naught?

I am not wholly sure.

Jesus Christ was condemned by the religious of His time as being a drunkard, and a glutton, due to the company He chose to keep (prostitutes and thieves).

Due to Christ's example, I have never seen anyone beyond the reach of love. It is by Christ's example alone I remain confident that, though I fail and compromise more than I should, the love I try to show will make a lasting impact on those with whom I choose to keep company.

I have a good friend, who started out as a co-worker with me, that I have been able to see this in action. (If you are reading this, I promise you were not an experiment, or anything. My intentions were always to love you as a friend, as deeply as I was able.)

This friend is a self proclaimed Satanist. He believes in the Satanist religion, because of the logical humanitarian views it holds. 

Surprisingly, we shared similar views on loving one another as better than ourselves, amongst other beliefs. We also shared disdain for the widespread hatred that modern 'Christianity' has decided to define itself.

Any opportunity I had to love this friend of mine; I seized it.

He never failed to return the love.

It is because of him I can listen to music in my truck on a daily basis.

You have mirrored the love of Christ to me more than you may care admit. 

I really miss you man.
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As mentioned in previous posts, most of my closest friends are 'nonbelievers', yet still love me without any judgment. I have a few 'believers' who love me without judgment as well, but it seems a rare thing to find these days.

Why not have the boldness of taking shelter in a brothel? (Rahab, the prostitute with the Israelite spies.)

Why not have a whore wash your feet with her own tears? (Jesus Himself allowed this.)

Why not have a thief as not only your disciple, but one of your best men? (One of the first men He chose was despised by the very people He came to save.)

Why not choose a man who basically massacred your friends, and sought to extinguish all you had taught? (His name was Saul, but you renamed him Paul, even though he murdered Your followers.)

Oh, if only I could be renamed for Christ's purpose!
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All the dirty shit of the Bible may turn most off, but I believe there is a reason it was all recorded, and is widely considered the Living Word of God.

You see, we are all flawed, and there is a reason for that mentioned at the beginning of His breath.

God set a standard, and we broke it. His Word, the Bible, records all that ensues, as well as His valiant effort/brilliant plan to redeem His own creation that chose to defect.

People may read the Bible, and assume God to be quite a fucked up being, and many refuse to believe in Him because of it.

If one is to take that part to heart, than perhaps they should also take the Bible as a whole to heart.

This goes for 'Christians' as well; STOP TAKING EVERYTHING OUT OF CONTEXT!

Before you make an opinion, which forever changes the course of your life, you owe it to yourself to thoroughly research what you are choosing to follow.

Faith is funny, in that we are told something and, perhaps, have an emotional experience, and then we take that as truth without 'chewing on the meat' of what just happened. Yes, faith means to believe in something that may not be absolute, but we do not have to be stupid about it.

I guess that is where I land right now: figuring out what is really true, and why it is true. I am tired of faking it. I am tired of living in fear. I would like to have an 'experience' that helps 'push me over the edge', but that is something I cannot place confidence in. If that is my lot, I accept it.

Selfishness: A Painful Existence

This will be another long one friends, but I have learned a lot in a short period of time, and it is only fair for me to continue sharing with you all.

Perhaps if I were to try writing it more in story form you would stay interested. ;)

Here we go.

It was a cold, blustery day in the hundred acre wood..

Just kidding. That would be plagiarism.

It was a cold day, but it was in Seattle. It warranted a flannel and jeans, but nothing more. It was not even raining, surprisingly (each time I have visited Seattle, it has not rained lol).

I was on a business trip.

Some of you may not know, but I have been working for a moving company since I moved to Idaho, basically.

Two Men and A Truck has turned out to be a very positive opportunity for me. The job has allowed me to travel to several states I never would have had the free time to visit on my own.

I have been to: Washington, Oregon, Utah, Colorado, and Northern Idaho.

You might be saying to yourselves that Northern Idaho is not different than Idaho Proper, but you have not personally seen the difference, and so your argument is invalid.

Since I began this particular blog; I have been on a new adventure. My wife and I went to the Northern California coast. We stayed amongst the land of the Yurok. They are a coastal tribe of Native Americans, and their land is mesmerizing.

Upon the river, outside our B&B, there were local sea lions and tribal speed boats, constantly keeping an eye on everything.

We were in awe.

Everything on this vacation of ours was wonderful. It was necessary. For me, it allowed a lot of thinking, reflection, and relaxation.

I could go on, and on, about it, but our story begins in Seattle.

Never mind that it was the city of the Seahawks, which I was born to root for (without shame).

I was out of town for work. We rode the public transit to the heart of downtown. There was a lot of 'people watching' on my part. My phone was dead. Coincidence? I think not.

The shuttle from the hotel introduced us to a middle aged couple scantily clad en route to a strip club. We soon found out they were swingers, from the driver, after they had left the shuttle.

Once on the train, I observed an oriental family board and discuss what they were to do next. The son always seemed uninterested. He was obviously exhausted and just wanted to close his eyes, if only for a moment.

I watched a very high couple of friends board the transit (pot is legal there). We ran into them throughout the evening.

When we arrived downtown we tried looking for a place to eat. We decided on the Hard Rock Cafe.

Nothing else was open.

As we entered, we witnessed two young women exiting the restaurant. One asked the other, 'Are you going to take this acid now, or not?!' (There were also several women way beyond their limit, stumbling down the street near Pike's Place at the same time.)

It was a lot to absorb in a short amount of time. I could not help but contemplate.

Life sucks in a lot of ways. There are a lot of people who are hurting and trying to cope. There are a lot of ways we try and cope. We all destroy ourselves, or those around us, in the pursuit of escaping the pain.

In the dank smell of the subway, the cold, salty air of Seattle, the reek of marijuana, the sounds of the city; I discovered something, and I became humbled.

Not only am I not alone in pain, but there are those in worse condition than I. This seems like common sense, but let us be honest with ourselves; we ignore the pain of others around us because we are trying to ignore the pain in our own lives. Let us open our eyes!

My eyes were, graciously, opened to the pain of others around me on that trip. Thank God my phone was dead, or I may have never resumed my insight into other's pain.

For some reason, I have always been sensitive to other's emotions. I used to joke that I am an Empath, like a character out of Star Trek.

I lost my compassion. I became distracted by my own pain. I got too caught up in all I was going through personally, that I lost sight of everyone else's troubles. I never meant for that to happen. I became as a ship lost at sea. The admiral became so focused on the devastation around his own ship that he failed to observe the rest of his fleet becoming splinters..

The purpose of this blog is to apologize. I have since been reminded that there are those suffering more than I, and my foot has never tasted so ghastly. My hope is to never again lose focus of the pain of those around me, in order that I may exercise compassion as they so crave.

I will continue to be honest in my writings. It should continue to push the boundaries and, hopefully, continue to provide comfort, and encouragement, to others that they are not alone. Though my several previous blogs were mainly journal entries made public; you all have responded beyond anything I ever expected. I admit I was working through a lot of things personally, but you all allowed my heart to bleed. You all responded well, and you have helped me along the path of healing.

I was selfish in a lot of ways. I became more focused on my own pain, than those around me. Yes this helped me to heal personally, but I do regret that I was not able to remain sensitive to everyone else in my life.

Selfishness is a sneaky bitch, is it not? It is the thorn so deeply imbedded in us all, that it is almost impossible to recognize, much less remove.

Selfishness/Self-love/Self-preservation seems so natural, but it is not. We were not meant to look out for ourselves. If we were all to look out for those around us with disregard to our own needs/desires, than all needs/desires would be fulfilled.

Instead we all look out for ourselves, and we all still live in pain. We cannot fulfill ourselves. We were meant for communal love.

Please come along aside me in the pursuit of loving others, without any agenda. My eyes have been opened, and though I will still fail; I will strive to make sure those I love know that I truly love them.

Let us help each other move on from the painful existence of selfishness, and instead pursue the building up of one another.

Only then can anything worthwhile be accomplished.

Existential Crisis

All who read this blog are somewhat familiar with my struggles.

All who know me, hopefully, know that I try to always be blatantly honest.

I had a different blog in the works, but what I am about to write has recently weighed heavily on my heart.

Tonight, I am going to get even more personal than I have ever been before.

'How can this be?', you may ask.

Well like every person revealing/discovering themselves; it is a progressive process.

Several months ago, I wrote a blog about how I continue to believe in God.

I still stand by that blog, to an extent..

I have no idea who God is outside of the man Jesus Christ, and who He claimed to be (as well as all He said). All my knowledge comes from my upbringing, and the personal thoughts/journey I have partook in. I also do not doubt that some thoughts were influenced beyond my own personal 'wisdom'.

Only my wife, Maribeth, knows what I am about to say.

I love her so much.

She is the reason I have hope, and still hold onto the unconditional love expressed by Christ.

Maribeth has always, genuinely loved me through everything.
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God, to me, is ambiguous.

The Old Testament depicts an apparently wrath-filled God, full of vengeance.

I see this as well, and would also be appalled, but I also understand where God is coming from, to an extent. (Let us not forget that if there is an ultimate Superior Being, than they would be ultimately knowledgable in all things. Therefor, we as mere mortals cannot assume, nor contemplate, the motives of the Almighty, since His ways will always be higher than ours.)

Some of my friends argue that God held the stance of grace throughout all existence.

I understand, and stand by their thoughts.

Perhaps the views of God, depicted by fallen men throughout our existence, were skewed.

Perhaps not.

Only a superior being would know, right?
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In the beginning God set the parameters of human existence, and humanity broke it. (That is the story, and it is the one that best explains the shit of this world that we all experience and participate in to this day.)

Humanity rebelled. God became jealous because we were no longer His perfect creation.

He did not hate us--quite the opposite.

Because of His perfect love; He had no reason, but to be angry.

Imagine the person you most loved rebelling against you, and choosing another..

You would also be vehemently angry. You would, also, want some sort of retribution.

God allowed humanity to play out it's sinful course, for a time, yet, He always had a plan.

Yes, He got angry.

Yes, He orchestrated events questionable to the human mind, yet; God always had 'the earth/humanity in His hands'.

Again, try to remember how you would feel.

Multiply that infinitely.

Our own vengeance would be quite trivial and fucked up in comparison.

The history of humanity is scarred by sinful acts committed by fallen people, and because of God's nature of perfection; this has always rubbed God the wrong way.

THIS is why God came up with a plan that we can all trace throughout history--since the beginning--through His Word (the Bible).

Yes, the Bible has been interpreted thousands of times, but it has also remained a powerful influence on humanity.

Some things may have been lost in translation, but they were minor details. (We all know there are several ways to say many different things that portray the same concept..)
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I know this is a longer blog than expected.

I hope I have held your attention up to this point.

I have made a defense of God, which I stand behind, but the truth of the matter is: I have lost all faith in His 'church'.

The church is supposed to be His 'body', taking care of all the rest of the 'body' if one part is injured/hurt.

I understand the pursuit of seeking God in order to understand all He is about, but what about the rest of the scum (like us) on this earth?

Most 'christians' throw that 'call' like chaff to the fucking wind..

Where is the healing 'Body of Christ', bought by a human like us (who never sinned/failed)?

Most get trapped by the pursuit of perfection/becoming theologically sound.

This is also is sinful, to an extent.

Yes, we are told to become perfect as Christ was perfect, but the fact of the matter is; we will not obtain perfection 'this side of heaven'.

Instead, we should strive to love as much as Christ did. (Most people miss this factor of love because they are blinded by their own pursuit of personal perfection that can never be obtained in this life.)

Christ was perfect, and, therefore, completes all sinful humanity (if they choose to believe).

To acknowledge our own debased, 'natural' humanity, is the first step. In order to truly relate to our fellow fallen humans, we need to stop pretending we are 'okay'. Yes, we believe in Jesus, and what He did for humanity. Yes, we feel the call, and motivation, to become more like Christ. We all, also forget.

Jesus dined and drank with prostitutes and thieves. When is the last time you sat down with 'heathens', and truly loved them and enjoyed their company? This is all Jesus ever did, so readjust your judgmental mind. You are as fucked up, and in need of grace as the serial killer/corrupt politician/pedophile/whore/whatever you despise most, next to you.

We have forgotten how to love. We have been filled with a sugar coated version of love.
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A lot of times, no one recognizes their own need for external help..

Fuck perfection.

Fuck 'keeping face'.

My best friends are 'nonbelievers', but they have more love in their hearts than most 'believers' I have met.

I have tasted a lot of darkness, therefore, I understand a lot of people.

Perfection is a virtuous, yet useless pursuit. We will always fall short. We all are destined for the wages of sin, death.

The utmost humanity can hope for is an unwavering faith in what Jesus said, and did, in the 30ish years He lived amongst us.

This may not be PC, but fuck all other faiths.

All, but the leadership of Christ, pursues the path of finding perfection in our own selves.

We either pursue, and achieve, nirvana, or we strive to trample on all humanity in order to seek the highest 'heaven'.

Modern 'christians' seem to be no different. They seem to rely on their own strengths (pridefully), instead of relying (humbly) on the works of Jesus.
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The term Christian was a derogatory term at the beginning.

It means: 'little Christ'.

There was a symbol, Ichthus (most call it a Jesus fish), that remains prominent even today.

My first tattoo is of Ichthus on the inside of my right middle finger.

I meant no disrespect by the placement of the tattoo.

To me, being called a 'little Christ' is the highest honor because God swooned over His Son, who died to save humanity, and because of that; humanity/all creation was redeemed.

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Christ loved the least of these. He saw their value as His creation, though they were scarred and torn up by the curse of sin. It is because of His love that they all found redemption when they communed with Him.

All people should taste that redemption and the Church has royally fucked up in providing that love for humanity worldwide, however, there are those who have understood throughout history, and have been used by God in a great way.

It was Him who said that the first shall be last, and the last shall be first. Think about that. Most have strived to be as 'perfect as they can be', but they have overlooked all opportunities to love the least of these in their vain pursuit of perfection. They will stand before God, ashamed, someday.

I, like Paul, know that I have fucked up a lot, and am most deserving of God's wrath, but because of my belief in Jesus, I know that His wrath is satiated in His own Son's (Jesus) death. I have given up my pursuit of perfection. It is a vain pursuit. The only way to be perfect, is to accept what Christ did for all humanity. Like the book of Romans laid out, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. It also stated that the wages of sin is death.

Death is the result of sin. God's original design was to live among us eternally. We threw that away, and have been cursed ever since. If we had only eaten of the fruit of eternal life, than we would all be living in Eden to this day. Instead, we learned of good and evil. We sinned, and have tried to juggle good and evil ever since. No matter what; we all still die someday and we will all give an account to God in the end.

Death does not have to be feared, though. It happens for everyone. For those with eternal hope, there is no fear in death, but relief. We should strive to provide all people with this confident hope.
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I have alluded to this, but what only my wife knows (and what this blog is about), is that I lack faith/confidence in the 'faith' I was raised in.

I cannot let go of what Jesus Christ did, and claimed to be, but that does not mean I have not doubted.

Perhaps this is because of how I was raised, but I believe it is more than that (I have been on the verge of renouncing said faith several times, but there has always been 'Someone', who I believe, has brought me back).

There is a lot I do not understand, but when searching my own self and personal beliefs (no matter how close I was to giving up on the faith I was raised in) I could never doubt Jesus. If one truly studies Him, they will find a person full of love and compassion. He had His rage, but it was for good reason. In fact, it was always in opposition of the religious establishment of His time.
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I was in a church service last week and felt out of place. I had not been there in a couple months.

This may have had something to do with it, but I was also on the music team.

Playing music for the church can be a blessing, but also a curse (as Monk would say).

There is something about playing music/being involved with a band, that takes you somewhere 'beyond'.

Music is eternal, and the one thing that all creation can relate to, together.

I also dislike feeling obligated. I dislike the feeling of 'going through the motions', and unfortunately that happens all the time in the modern day church.

There are stigmas associated with the general 'church', and it is for good reason.

I still want to serve with the talents given me, and still feel fulfilled exercising those talents (whether or not they are trivial in the end).

Feeling out of place made me think, and ultimately led to this blog.

The sermon was about whether I truly believed in Christ as the perfect Savior, or not.

I did not have a perfect answer, but felt I was close to that.

In all honesty, as is my custom; I have never had a 'spiritual experience'.

I am sorry to those who thought differently, but I honestly believe my 'experiences' were mostly influenced by peer pressure, and what was expected of me.
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THE existential crisis I am experiencing is whether, or not, God is truly real.

I am 99% confident in Jesus' message, and strive to be like Him (even though I always fail miserably).

I understand the Holy Spirit is supposed to be our help and guide, but have yet to sincerely experience that practically.

I get caught up in perfectionism, but strive to be myself, yet still seek to better myself with help beyond what humanity can offer.

I have been at the brink of giving up several times. Why I still hold on to hope? I do not know. I am tired of just holding on. I am tired of failing. I want to love and be loved. I have found that in some uncommon places, but most of all I have found it in my wife, my family, and my friends. Perhaps, they reflect Love more than they know. Perhaps, I have trouble understanding when I am being loved because I focus too much on how much I have failed. I am trying to be better at being grateful for the love surrounding me. I am trying to share that love with others as best as I can. I know I still get caught up in my own self-centeredness, but I hope you all have sensed compassion and care from me in some form or fashion.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for allowing me to speak my heart, and continuing to read, and love me despite what I say.

I couldn't do this without this, and without all of you. I love all of you and although I fail, I hope at least that shines through.

Worry, Joy, Regret..

Have you ever sat/lain alone with your own thoughts?

Have they kept you up at night? 

I am sure they have consisted of either worry/excitement for tomorrow,  pain/joy from today, or regret/fondness of the past.

WORRY

Personally, I have never really struggled with worry... much.

In fact I have been seen by others as so chill, that I was accused of being a stoner, before I even understood what that meant. 

There have been plenty of times I have experienced excitement for what lies ahead. I do not think that is wrong, per say, but we are not guaranteed tomorrow, so it is pointless.

We have all been conditioned to believe that 'we will live to see another day', and for the most part, we can almost count on it, but the truth is: tomorrow is never guaranteed.

JOY

For me has been an ever fleeting mirage..

I know it is different from happiness -- in the sense that joy is a choice despite one's circumstance, whereas happiness is a result of one's circumstance..

Joy, in the pit of life, however, has eluded me, and seems to always elude me..

REGRET

'Hello Darkness, my very old friend..'

It appears my mind was fashioned to be stuck in rewind, and then re-watch..

It is the river, I believe, that feeds the streams of my many 'smaller struggles'.

Regret may has well have been my middle name..

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I always think over the many ways I have fucked up in my life.

This has become a constant cycle of despair.

I fuck up. I feel despair.

I drink excessively, and then fuck up again.

I feel more despair.

And so the cycle goes..

Believe me; I have tried hard to break the cycle, to no avail.

I know Jesus Christ is the answer, but honestly; I get to the point (sometimes) where I doubt even He can help me..

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There have been times where I have come to a point where I have given up on the religion I was raised in..

But Someone has always brought me back.

I will never give up on the man/God: Jesus Christ.

Chalk it up to being raised as a pastor's kid if you want, but I believe it is more than that.

Think what you will about Him, but what He did for humanity will forever be the most beneficial event to humanity than any human could have done on his/her own.

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Yes, Jesus Christ is an anomaly.

That is the point.

We are meant to search out truth.

The fact that there is some ambiguity to Jesus makes everyone search his/her own heart, and then reach out in faith, in order to make their own decision.

We all take things based upon faith everyday. (The sun will rise tomorrow, I will wake up the next morning after sleeping through the night, etc.)

None of that is guaranteed, yet we still take it all for granted.

May we all choose wisely.