For Grandma Lair

For Grandma

The fire crackled in the hearth as the snow fell in flurries outdoors and Madie sat in her easy chair rocking while listening to an old sermon tape. The sermon was on the Fatherhood of God, something that was sometimes difficult for her to understand.

As she listened intently with her Bible open on her lap the back door flew open to little Daniel standing in the cold. He wore a blue stocking cap that had a white ball on top and white tassels hanging from the ear flaps. Daniel took off his coat and shoes by the door and came in to warm up near the fire.

“Just a minute young man; you come give your grandma a kiss!”

“Aw grandma, do I have to?” complained Daniel.

“If you don’t, then I will wrestle you to the ground and kiss you anyway.” replied Madie with a smirk.

“Okay…” said Daniel as he resigned himself to receive a kiss he proclaimed he didn’t want, but deep down enjoyed receiving.

“Thank you Daniel, I love you!”

“I love you too grandma.”

Madie sat and watched Daniel by the fire while the other children continued to romp around out in the snow. They too would be in soon to warm up a little while by the fire before going right back out into the cold again.

Young Danny let out a little, barely audible sigh, yet Madie heard it all the same. He looked sad with his shoulders slouched as he seemed to be gazing into the flickering flames of the fire, deep in child-like thoughts.

“Danny, is something wrong my dear?”

“I’m okay grandma.” replied Daniel without turning to look her way.

“Sweetheart, I know something is wrong. Your body language and that little sigh says it all.”

“What is body language grandma?” said Daniel, this time turning to face her.

Madie sat up, leaned towards Daniel and replied, “It’s the way your body presents itself depending on how you feel. It is a way people communicate without using words. That’s why I knew you were not telling the truth, because although you said one thing, your body and that sigh told me another.”

“Oh, okay…”

“Now that I have your attention; are you going to tell me what is bothering you?” asked Madie.

“I don’t know…” said Daniel with a bigger sigh this time.

Madie got out of her chair and paused the sermon. She then went over by the fire, sat down next to Daniel and also gazed deep into the lively flames. After sitting there a bit with him, she again pressed Daniel for what had him down.

This time Daniel gave in, and with his lower lip starting to quiver he told his grandmother, “Michael and me got in a fight, and he said he doesn’t love me or like me anymore, and then he pushed me to the ground.” A single tear escaped over the lower lid of his right eye as Daniel tried to remain strong.

“Now why would he say that?” inquired Madie.

As his eyes continued to fill with tears Daniel replied, “Well, he was building a snowman while Marie, Nicole and me were chasing each other in the snow. I wasn’t looking where I was going, and I ran into his snowman and ruined it. Now he has to start all over. I didn’t mean to!” Daniel began to silently sob after his confession. He did not like to cry, but he felt so terrible, yet he knew grandma loved him and would not make fun.

Madie sat there holding Daniel close while he sobbed silently in her arms so he may be comforted by her embrace. It was not long before he began to calm down when she said, “Honey, Michael was upset and did not truly mean what he said, but all the same it was not right to react to you the way he did and say what he said. I will have a talk with him later.”

With the issue off his chest, and knowing his grandma would take care of him, Daniel felt much better, but hoped that Michael would not get in too much trouble.

“Thank you grandma, I love you.” he said before getting up to go back outside again.

“I love you too young man!” responded Madie with another kiss on his cheek before clicking the sermon back on and returning to her rocking chair.

For Whom the Bell Tolls

Try to imagine you’re buried alive. You panic for a bit, but decide it’s best to keep calm. Alas! There is a string buried with you! You give it some pulls, gently at first, then vigorously as your desperation increases, yet no one is around to hear your death bell toll. 

That’s what severe depression can feel like, and it’s very real while one is experiencing it. 

It’s not common for people to share this kind of thing with those around them, because at the time they are just trying to survive and don’t think to reach out for help. It’s not always because they don’t want to burden people, but often because one becomes so engrossed in suffocating they think in millisecond moments. 

It’s become more and more common these days for people to actually understand when one does broach the subject of depression, because more people seem to understand or have the ability to relate from personal experience. As sad as it may seem that more people understand what it feels like, I think it’s a good thing, because it has become easier to find people with whom you can relate and get advice from. 

Yet, there are still a majority of those that do not understand, and probably never will. They don’t recognize the signs, or they don’t seem to care enough to pay attention (we have also become adept at masking being okay, even happy. We’re skillful liars sometimes, just not wanting to make things worse, if we even say anything at all). 

If anyone has shared with you about struggling with depression, I can almost guarantee they have more than struggled with it, like a rash that won’t go away or whatever. Don’t brush over those conversations. Try to sympathize and learn as best you can when someone does open up to you. 

Pay more attention to people as well. Choose to notice differences in people’s demeanor, and do something about it. Anything! I can’t stress this enough, it could be a matter of life or death (I’ve been there). Try your best not to be those who arrive after the bell stops ringing. 

Vagabond of Brokeness

Humanity is a tapestry. Each of us our own stitch in existence.

Humanity is a broken mirror. Crevices abound and our reflection is nowhere near perfect.

Humanity is an orchestra. Alone we may make beautiful music, but together there is beauty that touches the soul.

To be human is a complicated formula with no perfect solution. We try in vain. We vex ourselves over the course of our lives and never get it perfect.

Humanity is an amalgamation of misfit toys stranded on an island, longing for love lost, and finding it in each other.

I once wrote, ‘I walked a line once blurred between reality and the absurd. The line is razor thin, but I will never be that man again.’ It is a comforting lie we tell ourselves. Always striving for greatness. Always falling short with pet skeletons in our closet.

Vagabond. One who wanders. No home to speak of, yet making the most of where they are at night.

Identities change, whether out of necessity, or the toll of life. What about the in between? The unknown flux one is not aware of in the moment until they are on the other side?

If my house had a name, I would call it Void. Free on its own with nothing to offer, yet it somehow brings others in. A mystery still unsolved.

Humanity is brokenness and I am the man who walks amidst the cracks.

A Day in the Life of An Addict

For those who do not understand, and for those who do. 

Take a quick moment, and breathe. You just woke up in the middle of the night just to roll over and take a few hits off your vape/went outside to smoke a cigarette. The craving has become that desperate. 

Breathe it in. 

You get home from a long day and want a nice cold beverage. You start with one, and before you know it, you are dancing on the kitchen table in your underwear. You wake up the next day and don’t remember anything, but the Snaps of your friends remind you. 

Breathe, and try to forget again. 

You are enjoying a good time with friends. Someone offers you an upper and you take it without a second thought. 

Breathe in the escape. 

You feel alone. You are stressed. There are several reasons you browse your computer for sexual release, but you do it anyway. 

The person/s on the screen breathe too. 

You wake up, and are in a bad mood until the coffee pot finishes it’s brew and you enjoy a few cups. 

Breathe. After all; you are not dependent, right?

You feel insecure about yourself, so your ears perk up at anything ‘juicy/worth talking about’. You crave the distraction. 

Breathe, and think about how others may be talking about you. 

You live in fear of being less than perfect, so you seek the praise/acceptance of others, losing yourself in the process and puffed up by a facade. 

Breathe. You are not that bad of a person, right? 

Breathe again. Who are you really? 

We are all addicted to one thing or another, so none of us have the right to judge each other. 

Seek to understand. Pursue the broken in others, because the reality is; we are all broken in one way or another. 

Above all, always choose love. The world is a better place that way. 

Broken Dreams

I walk these empty halls alone

They echo the sounds of sorrow

Reminders are all that remain

In these footsteps laden with pain

This house I used to call home

Whispers to me the misery

Of memories dead and gone

The consequence of all I’d done

This hollow space sings 

Of broken dreams,

Unspoken words and

Misplaced expectations

There is no longer hope here

No Joy on the horizon

Too long I’d held a deaf ear

Towards the one I still love

No comfort, no solace

No laughter in this palace

There is no revelry

On this ship lost at sea

Yet, I welcome the frigid air

As it reminds me of why I’m here

Lessons learned, I have grown 

Now I embrace the unknown

When God Dies

Where do I even start? I have been on an indefinite hiatus with my blog, but this idea has ate too much at me to ignore. I guess the premise of this blog is to chronicle the meltdown (and subsequent rebirth) of my Christian faith, if you will.

Those privy to my blogs may have noticed a more and more erratic desperation in my last several blogs. This has been explained in some part, but I want to lay all bare for everyone, in case of any questions/doubt. Perhaps, this will resonate with someone and offer encouragement. That is my hope.

This will be lengthy. You have been warned! 😉______________________________________________________________________________

I am not sure exactly when the 'half life' began. In terms of isotopes, I began to degrade gradually, until I became half of myself, or even nothing. I was as open with you all about this degradation as I was able, and I know it was a shock to a lot of people. Perhaps, that is because you all would get gradual, yet drastic, updates in my blogs.

For many it may have all seemed sudden, like a shooting star in the sky; falling before your eyes and then vanished. It did not feel that way to me. From my perspective, I slowly died. It was painful. This was the death of a very core part of who I considered myself to be. In my mind, He who I once loved most (God), not only died, but became irrelevant to me. That leaves large open wounds that do not heal easily.

I, in essence, abandoned the faith I was raised in; a faith I loved very dearly most my life. Faith like a child is supposed to be admired/sought after, right? But what happens when you grow up?

I had considered, and recently, re-consider myself a follower of the God/man Jesus. In a way that reality never changed, but it came to the point where it was no longer enough to keep me tethered to the Christian faith. However, I still could not quite dismiss Jesus himself, nor his teachings/the life he led as an example to us.

I began to question different aspects of what I believed in. Legalism disgusts me, as it did Jesus, and I think that is where this all started. I had become so caught up in how much I was 'letting God down', that I was always questioning my salvation, always apologizing. I got so tired of being 'a constant failure in the eyes of my God', that I found it easier to detach from God all together, instead of continually enduring the guilt cycle I created for myself. I knew God was supposed to love me unconditionally, but I failed to take that to heart for some reason.
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All seek love, yet love is almost undefinable. Love is a universal desire/need, that needs to be met in all people. Any corruption of love results in tragedy.

Jesus taught his followers to love the Lord your God, and secondly, love your neighbor as yourself. For those who do not believe in God, the second teaching is still very valuable. This teaching is what I tried to hold on to for so long, but it was not enough. I would always fail to love others as best as I could. I could never fully love God back, as much as He claimed to love me.

God claims to be Love, but if you do not believe in God, then what? How does one truly love others?

As I wrestled through my doubts, and subsequent atheism, I became too caught up in that idea. I would try to love others as best as I could, but I instead failed to be present with those I love, because I was more focused on my failures/doubts that I failed to love them in the end. I was so self-focused that I failed to be present with them and love them in those moments.

As I mentioned before, this process was painful for me. As I sought answers/tried to be as open and honest as possible; I spiraled out of control. I started to drink more and more. I became dependent on alcohol, just to cope. In fact, most of those blogs were written while I was drunk and in despair (this blog being the first in a while, where that is not the case).

I found some comfort in friendships. They allowed me to be me. They loved me in the moment, even as I failed to love them. They listened to my sorrows, and sympathized. Most of these friends people would consider to be 'nonbelievers', but they loved me through this process more like Christ would have, then most 'believers' would have. The solace one can find in 'unbelievers' is invaluable. How else are we to 'reach the world for Jesus', if we are not willing to be friends with them?

Yes, I tried to build bridges in order to reach those people, and ended up crossing the bridge myself, but I have no regrets. In fact, I will continue to cross that bridge, because as long as love is my focus; I do not have to fear my actions being a compromise. There is supposed to be no fear when you follow Jesus after all. Some of you may disagree, and that is okay.

There were also very key 'believers' in my life (elders in my church, family, and friends) who exercised the same kindness/grace towards me. Not only did they reach out and talk to me, they gave me the space to question and to go through the process. The head pastor even allowed me to continue playing on the worship team as an atheist. That was a big deal for me, because I love playing, and although I could no longer sing the lyrics with any conviction, I knew other people I considered friends still benefitted from those times in worship (especially my precious Beth).

I truly believe everyone involved, in all their own ways, has proven to have been of utmost importance to my well being. For that, I thank you all. It has meant the world to me.
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An atheist?! How did you get there?!

Good question.

As I worked through a lot of what I assumed to be true, there were a lot of things I could not reconcile. To put my main grief bluntly, I came to a point where I could no longer believe in a 'personal God', if that 'God' never made Himself personal to me. Other griefs have been blogged about as I experienced them. The rest is explained above, I hope clearly.

That main grief took the platform from under my feet, and as a result; I hung there, dangling from my own spiritual noose. God was already dead to me, and everything else I 'knew' dissipated. All I could focus on was how to get out of the situation at hand. Part of me still believed, in those moments, that only Jesus could save me, but the suffocation I was experiencing caused me to even doubt that notion. Therefore, I sought to save myself. I chose to do what I could to take the pain away on my own, but it all just made it worse in the end. I was still hanging there, the suffocation becoming worse and worse as time went on.
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No one will ever understand God completely. I get that, but if He is real, then shouldn't He interact with His creation in some way? That was the line of thinking I got so hung up on. I had never felt this personal, loving God interact with me. This may appear to some as a complete lack of faith, and perhaps it was, at least in some part. God chose to 'meet me' anyway. He knew I needed this, and came through for me when I had basically given up on all hope of salvation. One Sunday morning, He cut the noose. I finally felt peace. I finally felt relief. I finally encountered Love. This was such an overwhelming experience, that I felt compelled to get 're-baptized' shortly after.

It looks like the lot of y'all have seen my baptism, but for those who have not; God had finally became real to me. The only response in my mind was to rededicate my life to serving/loving Him, and others. Except now, I am no longer so self-focused. I have a confidence I did not have before, and this allows me to live in love, and no longer in fear. As a result, I can shift my focus on loving those around me as they need. I believe that serves, also, to be in obedience to God and express my love towards Him. Of course, I do not, nor will I ever, get this perfect all the time. Even when I fail, I will try to be conscious of it, and somehow make it right. I feel like I have a firm foundation I did not have before, and what I have experienced will always bring my focus back to Love. That is what I believe is the key to anyone of the Christian faith.

I know there will be skeptics, but no one can understand for themselves, save the actions of others towards them which shed light on the truth, or if they have had that personal experience themselves. That is my hope for everyone.

As always; I love you all, except now I mean it more truly. Thank you for reading.

What Is Truth?

Why do we feel the need to make ourselves stand out? Are we like a large pack of pups, all vying to become the alpha dog? That would be too animalistic of us humans, would it not?

Perhaps, we are more like the rest of creation around us than we care to admit. Every thing is flawed, therefore, every thing is striving to be better than the rest, but to what end?

What is identity? Why must we become individuals? Sure we are all unique in some ways, but why must we strive to be the most unique?

There are those admired who seem to stand out above the rest, but they too are flawed. We look to them with hollowed hope, but they can no more provide us with peace in our heart than the next 'hero'.

We love to look at those who are, in ways, above our own capabilities. We, in essence, live vicariously through them because they represent the best of what we could never hope to be, yet they all still fall short of perfection.

Kanye anyone?! 😜
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What is truth? What is real? Why do we exist? Is there validity to becoming an individual?

Think over this with me with an open mind.

We live, breathe, and experience the world around us.

To what end?

Without the hope of an eternal future/life; why are we here?

If we are all basically the same, why do we fight?

Does disagreement serve a purpose, or is it a result of our humanity striving to be number one?

They say, 'Iron sharpens iron.' Without opposition to our firmly held beliefs, would we ever become confident in what we believe?

They say, 'Tough love is necessary for progress.' This does not mean we should be assholes to each other.

Honesty hurts sometimes, but if we listen with an open heart and mind, we can think on the truth people tell us and perhaps find ourselves as better people as a result.
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I often struggle with what I describe as a constant 'out of body experience'.

I live life as normal, but the details often blur. Many moments pass, and it all feels like a distant memory.

Perhaps, I suffer from short term memory loss, or some other medical explanation, but in the end; it is all speculation, because I can recall details, but they are almost always vague to some degree.

Not really sure how that is relevant, but I'm sure I'll mostly forget. 😏
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What causes us to be inspired? We all have those moments of inspiration, right?

Is it a random fire of our brains that finally links stuff together?

Perhaps, there is something outside us that inspires us/gives us that feeling.

Perhaps, it is just merely chemical reactions in our brains that give us that 'butterfly feeling'.

Whatever it is, we all experience inspiration to some degree, but the difference comes in who/what we take inspiration from.

Again, why do we experience inspiration?
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Some people are born into success. Others earn it. A lot of times people 'get lucky'.

Do we have the right frame of mind, and motive?

To what end do we pursue 'success'?

Did you wake up this morning?

Congratulations!

So did billions of other people in the world. People with dreams and sorrow, desires and baggage, hope and desperation.

Just because we woke up in a better situation than millions of others, does not mean we are any more important than the least of these who live near, and far from us.

We all suck.

We all need help in one way, or another.

Some of us have just happened to inherit better situations than most of the world.
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Why strive to be an individual?

Would it not be better to look out for the betterment of the rest of the world, than to always pursue preserving 'number 1'?

How fucking selfish is that?!

No greater love is there, than one who lays their own life down for their friend/s.

We should all be friends.

But we are not, and that is because we have become too caught up in our own selfish, vain pursuits.

We fail to be observant of others' struggles around us.

I am very much an example of this.

I can very easily, and often do, get caught up in my own worries/desires.

I often fail to take everyone else's reality into consideration.

I am truly sorry for all I have neglected.

I am trying to forget about myself, and make an effort to have genuine concern for the rest of humanity.

I know I will never get that right, but neither will anyone else.
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So, what is truth?

I have no fucking clue.

I do believe that truth can be defined. I do not think it is relative as a whole.

Humanity has an agreed upon 'right and wrong', yet we do not always agree fully.

There is what has become law, but that law can vastly differ amongst people groups worldwide.

I have personally chosen the truth Jesus Christ set forth in His short time on earth. It is most logical when one thinks through all religions.

What other religion has it's 'savior' kill himself in order to save his followers? Normally, we try to sacrifice, abuse ourselves/others in order to gain approval from the 'god' we 'have chosen'.

Jesus is not about that shit. He preached love and died for it.

We also should pursue love and be willing to die for it.