The Fear of Being Known

I have often wondered why I have a hard time with receiving love and accepting forgiveness.

I know myself more intimately than anyone, therefore, I see just how wretched I am as a man. When I look at myself and realize just how messed up I am I feel shame; I become depressed. 

I have always struggled to forgive myself and instead have tried to distract myself in different ways so as not to feel the pain of seeing who I am inside. This, of course, becomes a never ending cycle that is almost impossible to break. 

As someone who believes in Jesus Christ, I believe He knows me better than I know myself and that scares me. It is because of that fear that I have a hard time receiving His love. It does not compute to be fully known, yet still fully loved. I cannot do that for myself so how can anyone else? That is the beauty of grace though, is it not?

I choose to run from love for fear of being truly known and ruining it all. I hide behind laughter and project a very surfaced version of myself so as not to betray my shame, fear, and self-loathing. I look for acceptance in others so as to convince myself I am of some value in this world.

I have tried to be honest with others as best I can and many still love me despite seeing my ugliness, but I just cannot bring myself to accept that sometimes. I know that I should find solace in being valued by God, but the honest truth is I usually have a hard time really believing that. 

I know this is a more depressing post and I do not have any solutions, but I talked about being honest in my last post, so here is the ugly truth about some of what I stuggle with daily. I believe talking about it helps and my hope is that it will help others.

Something I do know and am trying my best to understand is: I am wholly loved, despite myself, by God and those people He has chosen to bless me with. I am forgiven, now and forever, of all my sin and shame. Finally, I must do my best to forgive myself, let go and choose to love (and identify with) who I am in Christ. It is then I am set free to love others as they are and as Christ loves them because I have learned to accept the love of Christ and have chosen to love myself despite myself as Christ loves me.

The courage to be honest and vulnerable with others, to allow oneself to be known by them sets one free from shame and opens the door to discover what it truly means to be fully known, yet wholly loved. It also allows those people to feel more comfortable to be vulnerable and risk being known, setting them free from shame and opening the door to authentic love.

Honesty: The Key to a Healthy Life

If you spend any time around kids you usually will come to find how bluntly honest they can be about life. They will lay out their life situations, whatever they may be, as they are, and usually without shame. Perhaps this is because they may not know any better, or really understand what is going on. Perhaps they just see life as it is, accept it for what it is, and therefore tell it like it is.

They do so without letting it take away from who they are as well. They are still children and behave as such. This is not to say it does not affect them, but they just seem to handle it better by not letting it define nor own them. They are usually still loyal and full of love towards those who put them in those situations, though there may be sadness there.

Like children, we too should be open and honest about our lives with others no matter how ugly it may be. We are all messed up and dealing with stuff so why hide it? An open, honest life with others frees you from the weight you may carry and helps to relieve those around you. Others see they are not alone and are more inclined to share their own lives with you. In return you can also help them.

There are too many people suffering alone in this world and I believe it is due to the fear of being honest with others. We project a better version of ourselves and therefore have very shallow relations with our fellow man. My whole life I have struggled with the inherent conviction that I can do nothing but perform well in order for others to accept me. The sad reality to that, however, is that no one gets to know the real you and there is always the struggle to keep face. That gets exhausting.

One can go their whole life doing this, perhaps to earn the favor of God or whatever. The reality is they still die and their life was more a waste than they believed. They toiled so hard to earn God's favor, and the favor of others, and all that was asked of them was to follow Jesus, to love him and to love others.

Many times our pursuit to maintain the "being a good person" aspiration distracts us from real relationships. "Being a good person" is not a worthy venture any way because no one can truly be good through and through. Only God is good, which is why he came on this earth to die so as to cover our sorry asses.

Allowing yourself to be known and airing your dirty laundry sucks, but it also brings freedom. All of Christianity's "heroes of the Bible" had done some pretty messed up stuff, which was written down for billions of people to read and learn from over the millenia. These people were also called friends of God, whereas those who tried to save face and be legalistic were not.

When things are brought to the light they cannot maintain a hold on you and usually you will find others will understand. You may find they do not understand as well, but the chance to help others open up and find healing because you first opened up to them is worth the shame and pain at the beginning.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    so that sinners will turn back to you.
Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
    you who are God my Savior,
    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
Open my lips, Lord,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart
    you, God, will not despise.

David stated this in the Psalm he wrote after being rebuked by the prophet Nathan for taking another man's wife for his own and then arranging the murder of said man. If you have not read the 51st Psalm it is highly recommended.

Honesty frees us from fear because hiding things from others breeds paranoia. The truth will come out eventually and honesty up front brings about healing more quickly, whereas time and secrecy allows for the potential pain to stab deeper when the truth does eventually come out. This is because we convince others to believe in someone we are not and they become accustomed to that person. If we were honest up front about who we were, people would know what to expect, and the impact would not be as drastic.

To open the door of your heart to others is to risk the opportunity for rich, authentic relationships. To keep that door closed off in different ways is to risk never knowing true intimacy with others and therefore completely miss out on the very reason we were created. Honesty in relationships is the crucible by which the strongest of friendships are forged. It is those relationships that will make a difference in life.

We are not alone in our struggles, so let us stop pretending like we are. Let us stop pretending we have all our shit together because we do not, and we never truly will. Let us instead open up and risk being truly known. Let us cease to strive to show others we are someone we can never truly be. Let us instead be open with others and in turn listen to them as they open up to us. Let us carry each others burdens so that we do not have to carry them alone.