The Fear of Being Known

I have often wondered why I have a hard time with receiving love and accepting forgiveness.

I know myself more intimately than anyone, therefore, I see just how wretched I am as a man. When I look at myself and realize just how messed up I am I feel shame; I become depressed. 

I have always struggled to forgive myself and instead have tried to distract myself in different ways so as not to feel the pain of seeing who I am inside. This, of course, becomes a never ending cycle that is almost impossible to break. 

As someone who believes in Jesus Christ, I believe He knows me better than I know myself and that scares me. It is because of that fear that I have a hard time receiving His love. It does not compute to be fully known, yet still fully loved. I cannot do that for myself so how can anyone else? That is the beauty of grace though, is it not?

I choose to run from love for fear of being truly known and ruining it all. I hide behind laughter and project a very surfaced version of myself so as not to betray my shame, fear, and self-loathing. I look for acceptance in others so as to convince myself I am of some value in this world.

I have tried to be honest with others as best I can and many still love me despite seeing my ugliness, but I just cannot bring myself to accept that sometimes. I know that I should find solace in being valued by God, but the honest truth is I usually have a hard time really believing that. 

I know this is a more depressing post and I do not have any solutions, but I talked about being honest in my last post, so here is the ugly truth about some of what I stuggle with daily. I believe talking about it helps and my hope is that it will help others.

Something I do know and am trying my best to understand is: I am wholly loved, despite myself, by God and those people He has chosen to bless me with. I am forgiven, now and forever, of all my sin and shame. Finally, I must do my best to forgive myself, let go and choose to love (and identify with) who I am in Christ. It is then I am set free to love others as they are and as Christ loves them because I have learned to accept the love of Christ and have chosen to love myself despite myself as Christ loves me.

The courage to be honest and vulnerable with others, to allow oneself to be known by them sets one free from shame and opens the door to discover what it truly means to be fully known, yet wholly loved. It also allows those people to feel more comfortable to be vulnerable and risk being known, setting them free from shame and opening the door to authentic love.