Existential Crisis

All who read this blog are somewhat familiar with my struggles.

All who know me, hopefully, know that I try to always be blatantly honest.

I had a different blog in the works, but what I am about to write has recently weighed heavily on my heart.

Tonight, I am going to get even more personal than I have ever been before.

'How can this be?', you may ask.

Well like every person revealing/discovering themselves; it is a progressive process.

Several months ago, I wrote a blog about how I continue to believe in God.

I still stand by that blog, to an extent..

I have no idea who God is outside of the man Jesus Christ, and who He claimed to be (as well as all He said). All my knowledge comes from my upbringing, and the personal thoughts/journey I have partook in. I also do not doubt that some thoughts were influenced beyond my own personal 'wisdom'.

Only my wife, Maribeth, knows what I am about to say.

I love her so much.

She is the reason I have hope, and still hold onto the unconditional love expressed by Christ.

Maribeth has always, genuinely loved me through everything.
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God, to me, is ambiguous.

The Old Testament depicts an apparently wrath-filled God, full of vengeance.

I see this as well, and would also be appalled, but I also understand where God is coming from, to an extent. (Let us not forget that if there is an ultimate Superior Being, than they would be ultimately knowledgable in all things. Therefor, we as mere mortals cannot assume, nor contemplate, the motives of the Almighty, since His ways will always be higher than ours.)

Some of my friends argue that God held the stance of grace throughout all existence.

I understand, and stand by their thoughts.

Perhaps the views of God, depicted by fallen men throughout our existence, were skewed.

Perhaps not.

Only a superior being would know, right?
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In the beginning God set the parameters of human existence, and humanity broke it. (That is the story, and it is the one that best explains the shit of this world that we all experience and participate in to this day.)

Humanity rebelled. God became jealous because we were no longer His perfect creation.

He did not hate us--quite the opposite.

Because of His perfect love; He had no reason, but to be angry.

Imagine the person you most loved rebelling against you, and choosing another..

You would also be vehemently angry. You would, also, want some sort of retribution.

God allowed humanity to play out it's sinful course, for a time, yet, He always had a plan.

Yes, He got angry.

Yes, He orchestrated events questionable to the human mind, yet; God always had 'the earth/humanity in His hands'.

Again, try to remember how you would feel.

Multiply that infinitely.

Our own vengeance would be quite trivial and fucked up in comparison.

The history of humanity is scarred by sinful acts committed by fallen people, and because of God's nature of perfection; this has always rubbed God the wrong way.

THIS is why God came up with a plan that we can all trace throughout history--since the beginning--through His Word (the Bible).

Yes, the Bible has been interpreted thousands of times, but it has also remained a powerful influence on humanity.

Some things may have been lost in translation, but they were minor details. (We all know there are several ways to say many different things that portray the same concept..)
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I know this is a longer blog than expected.

I hope I have held your attention up to this point.

I have made a defense of God, which I stand behind, but the truth of the matter is: I have lost all faith in His 'church'.

The church is supposed to be His 'body', taking care of all the rest of the 'body' if one part is injured/hurt.

I understand the pursuit of seeking God in order to understand all He is about, but what about the rest of the scum (like us) on this earth?

Most 'christians' throw that 'call' like chaff to the fucking wind..

Where is the healing 'Body of Christ', bought by a human like us (who never sinned/failed)?

Most get trapped by the pursuit of perfection/becoming theologically sound.

This is also is sinful, to an extent.

Yes, we are told to become perfect as Christ was perfect, but the fact of the matter is; we will not obtain perfection 'this side of heaven'.

Instead, we should strive to love as much as Christ did. (Most people miss this factor of love because they are blinded by their own pursuit of personal perfection that can never be obtained in this life.)

Christ was perfect, and, therefore, completes all sinful humanity (if they choose to believe).

To acknowledge our own debased, 'natural' humanity, is the first step. In order to truly relate to our fellow fallen humans, we need to stop pretending we are 'okay'. Yes, we believe in Jesus, and what He did for humanity. Yes, we feel the call, and motivation, to become more like Christ. We all, also forget.

Jesus dined and drank with prostitutes and thieves. When is the last time you sat down with 'heathens', and truly loved them and enjoyed their company? This is all Jesus ever did, so readjust your judgmental mind. You are as fucked up, and in need of grace as the serial killer/corrupt politician/pedophile/whore/whatever you despise most, next to you.

We have forgotten how to love. We have been filled with a sugar coated version of love.
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A lot of times, no one recognizes their own need for external help..

Fuck perfection.

Fuck 'keeping face'.

My best friends are 'nonbelievers', but they have more love in their hearts than most 'believers' I have met.

I have tasted a lot of darkness, therefore, I understand a lot of people.

Perfection is a virtuous, yet useless pursuit. We will always fall short. We all are destined for the wages of sin, death.

The utmost humanity can hope for is an unwavering faith in what Jesus said, and did, in the 30ish years He lived amongst us.

This may not be PC, but fuck all other faiths.

All, but the leadership of Christ, pursues the path of finding perfection in our own selves.

We either pursue, and achieve, nirvana, or we strive to trample on all humanity in order to seek the highest 'heaven'.

Modern 'christians' seem to be no different. They seem to rely on their own strengths (pridefully), instead of relying (humbly) on the works of Jesus.
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The term Christian was a derogatory term at the beginning.

It means: 'little Christ'.

There was a symbol, Ichthus (most call it a Jesus fish), that remains prominent even today.

My first tattoo is of Ichthus on the inside of my right middle finger.

I meant no disrespect by the placement of the tattoo.

To me, being called a 'little Christ' is the highest honor because God swooned over His Son, who died to save humanity, and because of that; humanity/all creation was redeemed.

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Christ loved the least of these. He saw their value as His creation, though they were scarred and torn up by the curse of sin. It is because of His love that they all found redemption when they communed with Him.

All people should taste that redemption and the Church has royally fucked up in providing that love for humanity worldwide, however, there are those who have understood throughout history, and have been used by God in a great way.

It was Him who said that the first shall be last, and the last shall be first. Think about that. Most have strived to be as 'perfect as they can be', but they have overlooked all opportunities to love the least of these in their vain pursuit of perfection. They will stand before God, ashamed, someday.

I, like Paul, know that I have fucked up a lot, and am most deserving of God's wrath, but because of my belief in Jesus, I know that His wrath is satiated in His own Son's (Jesus) death. I have given up my pursuit of perfection. It is a vain pursuit. The only way to be perfect, is to accept what Christ did for all humanity. Like the book of Romans laid out, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. It also stated that the wages of sin is death.

Death is the result of sin. God's original design was to live among us eternally. We threw that away, and have been cursed ever since. If we had only eaten of the fruit of eternal life, than we would all be living in Eden to this day. Instead, we learned of good and evil. We sinned, and have tried to juggle good and evil ever since. No matter what; we all still die someday and we will all give an account to God in the end.

Death does not have to be feared, though. It happens for everyone. For those with eternal hope, there is no fear in death, but relief. We should strive to provide all people with this confident hope.
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I have alluded to this, but what only my wife knows (and what this blog is about), is that I lack faith/confidence in the 'faith' I was raised in.

I cannot let go of what Jesus Christ did, and claimed to be, but that does not mean I have not doubted.

Perhaps this is because of how I was raised, but I believe it is more than that (I have been on the verge of renouncing said faith several times, but there has always been 'Someone', who I believe, has brought me back).

There is a lot I do not understand, but when searching my own self and personal beliefs (no matter how close I was to giving up on the faith I was raised in) I could never doubt Jesus. If one truly studies Him, they will find a person full of love and compassion. He had His rage, but it was for good reason. In fact, it was always in opposition of the religious establishment of His time.
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I was in a church service last week and felt out of place. I had not been there in a couple months.

This may have had something to do with it, but I was also on the music team.

Playing music for the church can be a blessing, but also a curse (as Monk would say).

There is something about playing music/being involved with a band, that takes you somewhere 'beyond'.

Music is eternal, and the one thing that all creation can relate to, together.

I also dislike feeling obligated. I dislike the feeling of 'going through the motions', and unfortunately that happens all the time in the modern day church.

There are stigmas associated with the general 'church', and it is for good reason.

I still want to serve with the talents given me, and still feel fulfilled exercising those talents (whether or not they are trivial in the end).

Feeling out of place made me think, and ultimately led to this blog.

The sermon was about whether I truly believed in Christ as the perfect Savior, or not.

I did not have a perfect answer, but felt I was close to that.

In all honesty, as is my custom; I have never had a 'spiritual experience'.

I am sorry to those who thought differently, but I honestly believe my 'experiences' were mostly influenced by peer pressure, and what was expected of me.
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THE existential crisis I am experiencing is whether, or not, God is truly real.

I am 99% confident in Jesus' message, and strive to be like Him (even though I always fail miserably).

I understand the Holy Spirit is supposed to be our help and guide, but have yet to sincerely experience that practically.

I get caught up in perfectionism, but strive to be myself, yet still seek to better myself with help beyond what humanity can offer.

I have been at the brink of giving up several times. Why I still hold on to hope? I do not know. I am tired of just holding on. I am tired of failing. I want to love and be loved. I have found that in some uncommon places, but most of all I have found it in my wife, my family, and my friends. Perhaps, they reflect Love more than they know. Perhaps, I have trouble understanding when I am being loved because I focus too much on how much I have failed. I am trying to be better at being grateful for the love surrounding me. I am trying to share that love with others as best as I can. I know I still get caught up in my own self-centeredness, but I hope you all have sensed compassion and care from me in some form or fashion.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for allowing me to speak my heart, and continuing to read, and love me despite what I say.

I couldn't do this without this, and without all of you. I love all of you and although I fail, I hope at least that shines through.