When God Dies

Where do I even start? I have been on an indefinite hiatus with my blog, but this idea has ate too much at me to ignore. I guess the premise of this blog is to chronicle the meltdown (and subsequent rebirth) of my Christian faith, if you will.

Those privy to my blogs may have noticed a more and more erratic desperation in my last several blogs. This has been explained in some part, but I want to lay all bare for everyone, in case of any questions/doubt. Perhaps, this will resonate with someone and offer encouragement. That is my hope.

This will be lengthy. You have been warned! 😉______________________________________________________________________________

I am not sure exactly when the 'half life' began. In terms of isotopes, I began to degrade gradually, until I became half of myself, or even nothing. I was as open with you all about this degradation as I was able, and I know it was a shock to a lot of people. Perhaps, that is because you all would get gradual, yet drastic, updates in my blogs.

For many it may have all seemed sudden, like a shooting star in the sky; falling before your eyes and then vanished. It did not feel that way to me. From my perspective, I slowly died. It was painful. This was the death of a very core part of who I considered myself to be. In my mind, He who I once loved most (God), not only died, but became irrelevant to me. That leaves large open wounds that do not heal easily.

I, in essence, abandoned the faith I was raised in; a faith I loved very dearly most my life. Faith like a child is supposed to be admired/sought after, right? But what happens when you grow up?

I had considered, and recently, re-consider myself a follower of the God/man Jesus. In a way that reality never changed, but it came to the point where it was no longer enough to keep me tethered to the Christian faith. However, I still could not quite dismiss Jesus himself, nor his teachings/the life he led as an example to us.

I began to question different aspects of what I believed in. Legalism disgusts me, as it did Jesus, and I think that is where this all started. I had become so caught up in how much I was 'letting God down', that I was always questioning my salvation, always apologizing. I got so tired of being 'a constant failure in the eyes of my God', that I found it easier to detach from God all together, instead of continually enduring the guilt cycle I created for myself. I knew God was supposed to love me unconditionally, but I failed to take that to heart for some reason.
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All seek love, yet love is almost undefinable. Love is a universal desire/need, that needs to be met in all people. Any corruption of love results in tragedy.

Jesus taught his followers to love the Lord your God, and secondly, love your neighbor as yourself. For those who do not believe in God, the second teaching is still very valuable. This teaching is what I tried to hold on to for so long, but it was not enough. I would always fail to love others as best as I could. I could never fully love God back, as much as He claimed to love me.

God claims to be Love, but if you do not believe in God, then what? How does one truly love others?

As I wrestled through my doubts, and subsequent atheism, I became too caught up in that idea. I would try to love others as best as I could, but I instead failed to be present with those I love, because I was more focused on my failures/doubts that I failed to love them in the end. I was so self-focused that I failed to be present with them and love them in those moments.

As I mentioned before, this process was painful for me. As I sought answers/tried to be as open and honest as possible; I spiraled out of control. I started to drink more and more. I became dependent on alcohol, just to cope. In fact, most of those blogs were written while I was drunk and in despair (this blog being the first in a while, where that is not the case).

I found some comfort in friendships. They allowed me to be me. They loved me in the moment, even as I failed to love them. They listened to my sorrows, and sympathized. Most of these friends people would consider to be 'nonbelievers', but they loved me through this process more like Christ would have, then most 'believers' would have. The solace one can find in 'unbelievers' is invaluable. How else are we to 'reach the world for Jesus', if we are not willing to be friends with them?

Yes, I tried to build bridges in order to reach those people, and ended up crossing the bridge myself, but I have no regrets. In fact, I will continue to cross that bridge, because as long as love is my focus; I do not have to fear my actions being a compromise. There is supposed to be no fear when you follow Jesus after all. Some of you may disagree, and that is okay.

There were also very key 'believers' in my life (elders in my church, family, and friends) who exercised the same kindness/grace towards me. Not only did they reach out and talk to me, they gave me the space to question and to go through the process. The head pastor even allowed me to continue playing on the worship team as an atheist. That was a big deal for me, because I love playing, and although I could no longer sing the lyrics with any conviction, I knew other people I considered friends still benefitted from those times in worship (especially my precious Beth).

I truly believe everyone involved, in all their own ways, has proven to have been of utmost importance to my well being. For that, I thank you all. It has meant the world to me.
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An atheist?! How did you get there?!

Good question.

As I worked through a lot of what I assumed to be true, there were a lot of things I could not reconcile. To put my main grief bluntly, I came to a point where I could no longer believe in a 'personal God', if that 'God' never made Himself personal to me. Other griefs have been blogged about as I experienced them. The rest is explained above, I hope clearly.

That main grief took the platform from under my feet, and as a result; I hung there, dangling from my own spiritual noose. God was already dead to me, and everything else I 'knew' dissipated. All I could focus on was how to get out of the situation at hand. Part of me still believed, in those moments, that only Jesus could save me, but the suffocation I was experiencing caused me to even doubt that notion. Therefore, I sought to save myself. I chose to do what I could to take the pain away on my own, but it all just made it worse in the end. I was still hanging there, the suffocation becoming worse and worse as time went on.
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No one will ever understand God completely. I get that, but if He is real, then shouldn't He interact with His creation in some way? That was the line of thinking I got so hung up on. I had never felt this personal, loving God interact with me. This may appear to some as a complete lack of faith, and perhaps it was, at least in some part. God chose to 'meet me' anyway. He knew I needed this, and came through for me when I had basically given up on all hope of salvation. One Sunday morning, He cut the noose. I finally felt peace. I finally felt relief. I finally encountered Love. This was such an overwhelming experience, that I felt compelled to get 're-baptized' shortly after.

It looks like the lot of y'all have seen my baptism, but for those who have not; God had finally became real to me. The only response in my mind was to rededicate my life to serving/loving Him, and others. Except now, I am no longer so self-focused. I have a confidence I did not have before, and this allows me to live in love, and no longer in fear. As a result, I can shift my focus on loving those around me as they need. I believe that serves, also, to be in obedience to God and express my love towards Him. Of course, I do not, nor will I ever, get this perfect all the time. Even when I fail, I will try to be conscious of it, and somehow make it right. I feel like I have a firm foundation I did not have before, and what I have experienced will always bring my focus back to Love. That is what I believe is the key to anyone of the Christian faith.

I know there will be skeptics, but no one can understand for themselves, save the actions of others towards them which shed light on the truth, or if they have had that personal experience themselves. That is my hope for everyone.

As always; I love you all, except now I mean it more truly. Thank you for reading.