Vagabond of Brokeness

Humanity is a tapestry. Each of us our own stitch in existence.

Humanity is a broken mirror. Crevices abound and our reflection is nowhere near perfect.

Humanity is an orchestra. Alone we may make beautiful music, but together there is beauty that touches the soul.

To be human is a complicated formula with no perfect solution. We try in vain. We vex ourselves over the course of our lives and never get it perfect.

Humanity is an amalgamation of misfit toys stranded on an island, longing for love lost, and finding it in each other.

I once wrote, ‘I walked a line once blurred between reality and the absurd. The line is razor thin, but I will never be that man again.’ It is a comforting lie we tell ourselves. Always striving for greatness. Always falling short with pet skeletons in our closet.

Vagabond. One who wanders. No home to speak of, yet making the most of where they are at night.

Identities change, whether out of necessity, or the toll of life. What about the in between? The unknown flux one is not aware of in the moment until they are on the other side?

If my house had a name, I would call it Void. Free on its own with nothing to offer, yet it somehow brings others in. A mystery still unsolved.

Humanity is brokenness and I am the man who walks amidst the cracks.

A Day in the Life of An Addict

For those who do not understand, and for those who do. 

Take a quick moment, and breathe. You just woke up in the middle of the night just to roll over and take a few hits off your vape/went outside to smoke a cigarette. The craving has become that desperate. 

Breathe it in. 

You get home from a long day and want a nice cold beverage. You start with one, and before you know it, you are dancing on the kitchen table in your underwear. You wake up the next day and don’t remember anything, but the Snaps of your friends remind you. 

Breathe, and try to forget again. 

You are enjoying a good time with friends. Someone offers you an upper and you take it without a second thought. 

Breathe in the escape. 

You feel alone. You are stressed. There are several reasons you browse your computer for sexual release, but you do it anyway. 

The person/s on the screen breathe too. 

You wake up, and are in a bad mood until the coffee pot finishes it’s brew and you enjoy a few cups. 

Breathe. After all; you are not dependent, right?

You feel insecure about yourself, so your ears perk up at anything ‘juicy/worth talking about’. You crave the distraction. 

Breathe, and think about how others may be talking about you. 

You live in fear of being less than perfect, so you seek the praise/acceptance of others, losing yourself in the process and puffed up by a facade. 

Breathe. You are not that bad of a person, right? 

Breathe again. Who are you really? 

We are all addicted to one thing or another, so none of us have the right to judge each other. 

Seek to understand. Pursue the broken in others, because the reality is; we are all broken in one way or another. 

Above all, always choose love. The world is a better place that way. 

Broken Dreams

I walk these empty halls alone

They echo the sounds of sorrow

Reminders are all that remain

In these footsteps laden with pain

This house I used to call home

Whispers to me the misery

Of memories dead and gone

The consequence of all I’d done

This hollow space sings 

Of broken dreams,

Unspoken words and

Misplaced expectations

There is no longer hope here

No Joy on the horizon

Too long I’d held a deaf ear

Towards the one I still love

No comfort, no solace

No laughter in this palace

There is no revelry

On this ship lost at sea

Yet, I welcome the frigid air

As it reminds me of why I’m here

Lessons learned, I have grown 

Now I embrace the unknown

When God Dies

Where do I even start? I have been on an indefinite hiatus with my blog, but this idea has ate too much at me to ignore. I guess the premise of this blog is to chronicle the meltdown (and subsequent rebirth) of my Christian faith, if you will.

Those privy to my blogs may have noticed a more and more erratic desperation in my last several blogs. This has been explained in some part, but I want to lay all bare for everyone, in case of any questions/doubt. Perhaps, this will resonate with someone and offer encouragement. That is my hope.

This will be lengthy. You have been warned! 😉______________________________________________________________________________

I am not sure exactly when the 'half life' began. In terms of isotopes, I began to degrade gradually, until I became half of myself, or even nothing. I was as open with you all about this degradation as I was able, and I know it was a shock to a lot of people. Perhaps, that is because you all would get gradual, yet drastic, updates in my blogs.

For many it may have all seemed sudden, like a shooting star in the sky; falling before your eyes and then vanished. It did not feel that way to me. From my perspective, I slowly died. It was painful. This was the death of a very core part of who I considered myself to be. In my mind, He who I once loved most (God), not only died, but became irrelevant to me. That leaves large open wounds that do not heal easily.

I, in essence, abandoned the faith I was raised in; a faith I loved very dearly most my life. Faith like a child is supposed to be admired/sought after, right? But what happens when you grow up?

I had considered, and recently, re-consider myself a follower of the God/man Jesus. In a way that reality never changed, but it came to the point where it was no longer enough to keep me tethered to the Christian faith. However, I still could not quite dismiss Jesus himself, nor his teachings/the life he led as an example to us.

I began to question different aspects of what I believed in. Legalism disgusts me, as it did Jesus, and I think that is where this all started. I had become so caught up in how much I was 'letting God down', that I was always questioning my salvation, always apologizing. I got so tired of being 'a constant failure in the eyes of my God', that I found it easier to detach from God all together, instead of continually enduring the guilt cycle I created for myself. I knew God was supposed to love me unconditionally, but I failed to take that to heart for some reason.
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All seek love, yet love is almost undefinable. Love is a universal desire/need, that needs to be met in all people. Any corruption of love results in tragedy.

Jesus taught his followers to love the Lord your God, and secondly, love your neighbor as yourself. For those who do not believe in God, the second teaching is still very valuable. This teaching is what I tried to hold on to for so long, but it was not enough. I would always fail to love others as best as I could. I could never fully love God back, as much as He claimed to love me.

God claims to be Love, but if you do not believe in God, then what? How does one truly love others?

As I wrestled through my doubts, and subsequent atheism, I became too caught up in that idea. I would try to love others as best as I could, but I instead failed to be present with those I love, because I was more focused on my failures/doubts that I failed to love them in the end. I was so self-focused that I failed to be present with them and love them in those moments.

As I mentioned before, this process was painful for me. As I sought answers/tried to be as open and honest as possible; I spiraled out of control. I started to drink more and more. I became dependent on alcohol, just to cope. In fact, most of those blogs were written while I was drunk and in despair (this blog being the first in a while, where that is not the case).

I found some comfort in friendships. They allowed me to be me. They loved me in the moment, even as I failed to love them. They listened to my sorrows, and sympathized. Most of these friends people would consider to be 'nonbelievers', but they loved me through this process more like Christ would have, then most 'believers' would have. The solace one can find in 'unbelievers' is invaluable. How else are we to 'reach the world for Jesus', if we are not willing to be friends with them?

Yes, I tried to build bridges in order to reach those people, and ended up crossing the bridge myself, but I have no regrets. In fact, I will continue to cross that bridge, because as long as love is my focus; I do not have to fear my actions being a compromise. There is supposed to be no fear when you follow Jesus after all. Some of you may disagree, and that is okay.

There were also very key 'believers' in my life (elders in my church, family, and friends) who exercised the same kindness/grace towards me. Not only did they reach out and talk to me, they gave me the space to question and to go through the process. The head pastor even allowed me to continue playing on the worship team as an atheist. That was a big deal for me, because I love playing, and although I could no longer sing the lyrics with any conviction, I knew other people I considered friends still benefitted from those times in worship (especially my precious Beth).

I truly believe everyone involved, in all their own ways, has proven to have been of utmost importance to my well being. For that, I thank you all. It has meant the world to me.
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An atheist?! How did you get there?!

Good question.

As I worked through a lot of what I assumed to be true, there were a lot of things I could not reconcile. To put my main grief bluntly, I came to a point where I could no longer believe in a 'personal God', if that 'God' never made Himself personal to me. Other griefs have been blogged about as I experienced them. The rest is explained above, I hope clearly.

That main grief took the platform from under my feet, and as a result; I hung there, dangling from my own spiritual noose. God was already dead to me, and everything else I 'knew' dissipated. All I could focus on was how to get out of the situation at hand. Part of me still believed, in those moments, that only Jesus could save me, but the suffocation I was experiencing caused me to even doubt that notion. Therefore, I sought to save myself. I chose to do what I could to take the pain away on my own, but it all just made it worse in the end. I was still hanging there, the suffocation becoming worse and worse as time went on.
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No one will ever understand God completely. I get that, but if He is real, then shouldn't He interact with His creation in some way? That was the line of thinking I got so hung up on. I had never felt this personal, loving God interact with me. This may appear to some as a complete lack of faith, and perhaps it was, at least in some part. God chose to 'meet me' anyway. He knew I needed this, and came through for me when I had basically given up on all hope of salvation. One Sunday morning, He cut the noose. I finally felt peace. I finally felt relief. I finally encountered Love. This was such an overwhelming experience, that I felt compelled to get 're-baptized' shortly after.

It looks like the lot of y'all have seen my baptism, but for those who have not; God had finally became real to me. The only response in my mind was to rededicate my life to serving/loving Him, and others. Except now, I am no longer so self-focused. I have a confidence I did not have before, and this allows me to live in love, and no longer in fear. As a result, I can shift my focus on loving those around me as they need. I believe that serves, also, to be in obedience to God and express my love towards Him. Of course, I do not, nor will I ever, get this perfect all the time. Even when I fail, I will try to be conscious of it, and somehow make it right. I feel like I have a firm foundation I did not have before, and what I have experienced will always bring my focus back to Love. That is what I believe is the key to anyone of the Christian faith.

I know there will be skeptics, but no one can understand for themselves, save the actions of others towards them which shed light on the truth, or if they have had that personal experience themselves. That is my hope for everyone.

As always; I love you all, except now I mean it more truly. Thank you for reading.

What Is Truth?

Why do we feel the need to make ourselves stand out? Are we like a large pack of pups, all vying to become the alpha dog? That would be too animalistic of us humans, would it not?

Perhaps, we are more like the rest of creation around us than we care to admit. Every thing is flawed, therefore, every thing is striving to be better than the rest, but to what end?

What is identity? Why must we become individuals? Sure we are all unique in some ways, but why must we strive to be the most unique?

There are those admired who seem to stand out above the rest, but they too are flawed. We look to them with hollowed hope, but they can no more provide us with peace in our heart than the next 'hero'.

We love to look at those who are, in ways, above our own capabilities. We, in essence, live vicariously through them because they represent the best of what we could never hope to be, yet they all still fall short of perfection.

Kanye anyone?! 😜
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What is truth? What is real? Why do we exist? Is there validity to becoming an individual?

Think over this with me with an open mind.

We live, breathe, and experience the world around us.

To what end?

Without the hope of an eternal future/life; why are we here?

If we are all basically the same, why do we fight?

Does disagreement serve a purpose, or is it a result of our humanity striving to be number one?

They say, 'Iron sharpens iron.' Without opposition to our firmly held beliefs, would we ever become confident in what we believe?

They say, 'Tough love is necessary for progress.' This does not mean we should be assholes to each other.

Honesty hurts sometimes, but if we listen with an open heart and mind, we can think on the truth people tell us and perhaps find ourselves as better people as a result.
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I often struggle with what I describe as a constant 'out of body experience'.

I live life as normal, but the details often blur. Many moments pass, and it all feels like a distant memory.

Perhaps, I suffer from short term memory loss, or some other medical explanation, but in the end; it is all speculation, because I can recall details, but they are almost always vague to some degree.

Not really sure how that is relevant, but I'm sure I'll mostly forget. 😏
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What causes us to be inspired? We all have those moments of inspiration, right?

Is it a random fire of our brains that finally links stuff together?

Perhaps, there is something outside us that inspires us/gives us that feeling.

Perhaps, it is just merely chemical reactions in our brains that give us that 'butterfly feeling'.

Whatever it is, we all experience inspiration to some degree, but the difference comes in who/what we take inspiration from.

Again, why do we experience inspiration?
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Some people are born into success. Others earn it. A lot of times people 'get lucky'.

Do we have the right frame of mind, and motive?

To what end do we pursue 'success'?

Did you wake up this morning?

Congratulations!

So did billions of other people in the world. People with dreams and sorrow, desires and baggage, hope and desperation.

Just because we woke up in a better situation than millions of others, does not mean we are any more important than the least of these who live near, and far from us.

We all suck.

We all need help in one way, or another.

Some of us have just happened to inherit better situations than most of the world.
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Why strive to be an individual?

Would it not be better to look out for the betterment of the rest of the world, than to always pursue preserving 'number 1'?

How fucking selfish is that?!

No greater love is there, than one who lays their own life down for their friend/s.

We should all be friends.

But we are not, and that is because we have become too caught up in our own selfish, vain pursuits.

We fail to be observant of others' struggles around us.

I am very much an example of this.

I can very easily, and often do, get caught up in my own worries/desires.

I often fail to take everyone else's reality into consideration.

I am truly sorry for all I have neglected.

I am trying to forget about myself, and make an effort to have genuine concern for the rest of humanity.

I know I will never get that right, but neither will anyone else.
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So, what is truth?

I have no fucking clue.

I do believe that truth can be defined. I do not think it is relative as a whole.

Humanity has an agreed upon 'right and wrong', yet we do not always agree fully.

There is what has become law, but that law can vastly differ amongst people groups worldwide.

I have personally chosen the truth Jesus Christ set forth in His short time on earth. It is most logical when one thinks through all religions.

What other religion has it's 'savior' kill himself in order to save his followers? Normally, we try to sacrifice, abuse ourselves/others in order to gain approval from the 'god' we 'have chosen'.

Jesus is not about that shit. He preached love and died for it.

We also should pursue love and be willing to die for it.

What Is Love?

Baby, don't hurt me!

The question of love has been asked, and contemplated, over and over.

I am no expert, but I do believe we can all love better.

What does love look like?

To me, love means to hold one another in higher regard than one's own self.

Perhaps, this is why we have not perfected love, and why people still search for answers.

Looking out for our own self is so deeply ingrained in us that it has almost become a natural way to live.

I believe there is a better way, and there are a lot of people that get that concept, yet still there is a pesky selfishness which will always get in our way..

Jesus said that there is no greater love than to lay our own life down for our friends, yet He laid down His life for friend and foe alike. How deep that love must be!

I have been told I am compassionate and empathetic, and because of that I can look at a random stranger, almost see right through them, and sense their pain.

There are so many people who are hurting. People who are searching for love, yet cannot understand, nor model the love they so crave. This leads to more pain at their own hands, or an ever deepening pit of despair because they are too afraid to connect. They do not want to feel the pain of rejection yet again...

Some say love is pain, but we cannot understand one without the other.

Love can be painful.

Love can be wonderful.

Love is ambiguous, and mostly defined on an individual basis.

Love is god.

Christians claim; 'God is Love'.

God is a myriad of things, and so is love, so how do we define one or the other?

A good friend of mine told me, 'In order to experience God, you must be a part of the church, because if church is the 'Body of Christ', then we should experience God amongst our fellow seeking humans.'

I used to strive for a 'real, undeniable experience' with God, but this last year I let go of that vain pursuit.

I have come to accept that I may never experience God as the apostles did in their time. Perhaps, as my friend so aptly stated, 'Throughout history, God has worked undeniable miracles in one time, but then played a background character in the in-between.'

With all forms of faith, we gamble, but with Christ; it does not have to be a gamble.

I still struggle to fully understand that concept.

No matter how I fail Him, He still loves me. I do not have to perform to earn His love. It is freely given. I just need to accept it, right?

That is hard to do when you are heartbroken from hurting someone you are supposed to love.

I do not apologize for not having an answer to love. No one can for sure know. The closest we come is to go beyond ourselves, even to the point of death, to express love to those we choose to love, and even more so, to those we have chosen to hate.

May we all choose to love all equally, even those we feel driven to hate.

New Year, New Me?

It is that time of year. Time to reflect on the past, and plan for the future. Should that be done once a year? Surely, a new year dawning has some significance, right? It definitely feels that way, but is that a product of our communal conditioning?

I do not see anything wrong with setting goals, but we all should always be seeking to improve ourselves, not just at the turn of a new year.

I have also learned that one needs to find a balance when looking back. I have let the past consume and control me. No more. We must learn from our mistakes, but this should be a quick lesson learned in real time. You mess up. You rectify. You then do your best to not make the same mistake in the future. You do not allow that mistake to haunt you. You move on.

We can plan for the future, but history has taught us that the future is never guaranteed. We should not fret too much about the future. We can do what we can to prepare, but we also must remain flexible to whatever life deals us.

We can control the present. The present is always changing, yet it is the one thing we can react to. The past is gone. The future is unknown. The present, however, can be managed.

We may be making 'New Year's Resolutions', which is not bad in itself, but how can we actually keep to them? Some of you may be jaded against them, and have therefore decided to not make any goals for the upcoming year. I believe we all would like to improve ourselves though, whether we make a conscious effort, or not.

I have always tried to set yearly goals for myself, but have never taken them as far as I should. Like most, I would do well for a little while, and then the importance of those goals would fall to the wayside. This does not mean we should give up!

Once again, I made goals for the upcoming year. This time around; I have a different perspective.

This last year has been quite the ride personally, as you all have read about. It has been a deconstructive year for me. There has been pain, and there has been healing. There have been many periods of wandering and questioning. I am still wandering, and still questioning, but my hope is that this next year will bring some answers. I hope to further find myself, while working to improve myself.

I look to 2017 as a year of reconstruction, a year of completion in many areas of my life.

I am starting a new job at the turn of the year, and hope to also start my career by the end of the year.

I will make a more valiant effort than ever to finish my first book, and perhaps get published.

Who knows, maybe Beth and I will even be expecting this year!

To reconstruct, I must learn self-control and discipline. These are areas I have always struggled with, but I have hope.

Let us all, together, live in every present moment. Be present with those around you, because it could be your last moment together. Set aside the past. Forgive. As each moment dawns, let us try our best to be wise, and make the right decisions. If we fail, learn and move on. Let us not let failures define who we are any longer.