Yet Always It Seems..

I cannot fathom the plateau without first the pit..

I attended a concert this last weekend. 

It was the band Underøath. 

Another great band was there, Caspian, who opened the show. 

Underøath has been, and will always be, one of my all time favorite bands. 

They broke up about 3 years ago, but recently got back together and are currently doing a Rebirth tour. 

We attended their show here in Boise.

My best friend and his lovely wife flew into town to visit my lovely wife and I, as well as, see this show with us. 

Ryan and I were each other's best men and have been best friends since high school. 

We have also been in a band together. 

Underøath was a band that helped to forge the bond we still have to this day, and they have influenced our music for as long as I can remember.  

Recently, in my current band (TREBUCHET), I have been struggling with some doubt and fear. 

I want so badly to be a part of the scene my band is trying to be in and I love making music, but I also love playing it more. 

I want to make a difference through it. 

I could do it in another genre, but I have come to realize that the emotions I want people to relate to, and that I need to express, cannot sufficiently be executed outside the genre TREBUCHET is in. 

Perhaps this is because my musical interest began in this scene, but no matter the reason; it is where I belong, and I will not be giving up any time soon. 

Something that has helped me come to this conclusion was the recent Underøath concert I attended with my good friends and band mates, past and present.

It was a glorious experience. 

Caspian played, and we had a wonderful time. 

It was an excellent start to what would be an unforgettable night. 

Just before Underøath came on, the fire alarm went off in the venue and we all had to evacuate. 

This would have been a bummer, but I got to high five the keyboardist from Underøath on my way out. 

AWESOME!

Once things were resolved, we got back into place, as best as we could, as we anticipated the return of our favorite band, who we all thought were dead and gone for good. 

The beginning of their set was awesome!

Their plan was to play through their first two albums, front to back.

So much glorious nostalgia. 

I stood there jumping with my guitarists, past and present, but I also watched as the other vocalist in my band (Lane) ran into what we all call a 'pit'. 

The 'pit' is a mass of people going crazy with, and throwing their bodies at, each other. 

It is incredible!

Slowly, a strong desire began to brew within me.

I had not been a part of a pit much in the past shows I'd been to, because I had always strived to be up front near the band, or I would end up standing there rocking on and enjoying the music. 

That wasn't going to suffice anymore. 

If I was going to be up front at this show, I needed to become one with the pit. 

I needed to traverse the chaos by embracing the chaos. 

So I did..

I ran full steam into the active pit. 

Everyone was so sweaty, so I, with ease, slid right up to the front. (After slipping and falling in sweat, that is.)

The atmosphere, once up front, was so electric. 

It is something I will never forget. 

This experience, amongst the chaos, reminded me of why I am so passionate about this type of music I love so much. 

It is so very hard to replicate the energy I felt.

I truly belong there. 

But I also dream to create that kind of atmosphere on stage. 

The stage can be seen as a plateau. 

I had lost sight of what I most greatly desired because of doubt and fear. 

It took me entering the chaotic pit, in order to look forward to playing from the plateau. 

What is Morality?

Disclaimer: I will be writing this blog in communion with a song/poem I wrote for my band, TREBUCHET, that reflects what I have struggled with personally and what I would like to talk about in this particular blog.

Here is the song, B&W, for you all (with some emphasis/explanations added for clarity).

Beware, this is a long one. It is for good reason, I hope.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have been enticed
I have dragged myself away,
Into the darkness that
Reeks of familiarity. 

(Referring to sins/vices which continue to knock at the door that we cannot help to open.)

Am I really one,
Who must escape
By the skin of his teeth? 

(Jude 23: Rescue others by snatching them from the flames of judgment. Show mercy to still others, but do so with great caution, hating the sins that contaminate their lives.)

Why must we lose
The innocence
Of our childhood?

Why can't we remain
Innocent?

Why must we lose
The innocence
Of our childhood?

I've been robbed.
I was robbed. 

(I will touch on the influence towards this part a bit later.)

What is morality? 

(The basis for this blog/song, as well as a deep/multi-faceted question that cannot be summed up in one blog post/song.

I do hope to touch further on this subject at a later date, however, I am very willing to discuss this topic openly with whomever wants/needs to in the here and now.)

Who gets to decide
What is wrong and what is right?
Not all is black and white,
Nor is the rest grey. 

(Building off of the fact that not one person can truly know the ultimate difference between right and wrong in and of themselves.

Every one will have a different idea of this. 

We can all skew things to fit our own consciences because of this and so much misunderstanding is rooted in it.

Therefore, no one person can say, "This is white; this is black, but there is also 'grey areas'.")

When it comes to good and bad
How can anyone have a say?

(Within humanity, as a whole, no one has had--nor will ever have--this authority on their own.

Take guilt for example, for those raised with a 'worldly morality'; people act in such a way which goes against what they were told was correct/moral, therefore, they experience guilt.

Then there is conviction--a Christian term similar to guilt--which is attributed to the feeling one feels in response to their transgressions, which are in need of repentance, by the indwelled Holy Spirit.

Every one, however--whether by the product of their own upbringing, or not--has been given a 'code of ethics'.

Why most people agree to a universal 'Code', is beyond my scope of research, but one thing I do know; every person has an idea of what is right vs. what is wrong.

Most commonly, we as humanity can agree on the extreme of these, however, there are differences as diverse as the stars in the sky when it comes to all the 'grey areas'.

This is, most commonly, where conflict comes into play with all people.)

We sit here pointing fingers
Towards those who aren't right to us
When they are thinking the same thing. 

(Unfortunately, we all point fingers at others that may have filthier shit than us.

Our human nature leads us to do this because we want so desperately to ignore the wrong in our own selves, therefore, humanity is very willing to point out the wrong in other humans--no matter how this makes them [personally]/others feel--in order to feel better about how truly screwed up we are as individuals.

Homosexuals, for instance, are humans that most other humans do not/cannot identify with as their own personal 'struggle', because they have not personally struggled with that particular 'sin' themselves. 

In this example, and countless others, we point our fingers at other human's sin in order to make our own selves feel more comfortable wallowing in the filthy shit we ourselves bathe in.

Personally, I have struggled with pornography from a very young age.

This particular vice has been something I have fought tooth and nail with for a very long time to be rid of permanently.

Therefore, I, personally, can identify very closely with those who struggle with different sexual sins than--and in correlation with--my own, because I have fought in similar trenches.

Yet, no one person is any different than I am/they are. 

Sexual sin/adultery, is the same for all across the sexual spectrum. In fact, in the eyes of the Almighty God, all sins are equal and, apart from His grace, deserve eternal separation from Him.

As far as humanity is concerned, I believe there are other sins more grievous than those I have previously mentioned because they lie at the root of our pervasive moral decay.

Pride/selfishness, and idolatry are a few that are more widespread, and more deeply rooted in our human nature, than sexual sin/other, perhaps, 'more minor' sins. 

Not only are these sins mostly overlooked by our own selves, and others--and, therefore, more difficult to diagnose--but they can be looked at as the 'ultimate sins' that fuel all others.

What I mean is, all sin, at it's ultimate root, can be linked to: our own desire to satisfy our own selves.

To look at what we are going through personally, and then base our own decisions off of 'how we feel', personally, is not a very good way to live. 

We engage in what feels right to us, most often, 'in the moment'.

If that is looked upon as unfavorable to others, than we hide it from them.

As I mentioned before, however, not one human can list universally what all is right and wrong.

Instead, we act on how we were raised to act, or, we act outside of this conditioning, because it is what we want, in the moment.

Perhaps, we may feel guilty/convicted afterward. Perhaps, not.

Most, however, can agree on a small list of 'ultimate right and wrong', but there will always be variations and 'grey areas' amongst all humanity, no matter the influences.

This is why I, personally, believe we all need to look outside ourselves--to Someone greater--in order to gauge exactly how we must behave as humans--in order to thrive within community/humanity as a whole.

Pride/selfishness, which is confidence in Self--above all else--tells us that we can be righteous in, and of ourselves.


FALSE!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
Idolatry, in this day and age, tells us that our self--or ultimate self--is what is worth striving for.

This 'ultimate self' clouds our judgement and makes us think that we can prove our own selves worthy of other's adoration in our own power--like that really matters in the end.

NEWS FLASH: No matter how much you try to improve your physical body/inner self; you will still fall short of the ultimate holiness/rightness/perfection that God Himself demands, apart from the grace and ultimate/complete sacrifice of Yeshua/Jesus Christ.)

We wash, and wash, and wash our skin
As if that'd serve to cleanse our sins,
But not even lye will purify. 

(Not one thing in our physical existence can cleanse us of our eternal contumacy.

Only the belief in the complete grace of God, throughout all history--which was ultimately realized in the death of His perfect Son, Jesus Christ--can completely redeem you of your past, present, and future violations of the real definitions of what is truly right and wrong that we have all trespassed against--even if it was only 'that one time' or something as 'minor' as a 'white lie'.

Again, in and of our selves, we do not know what qualifies, but there is a God who does and He has laid it out for us in His Word. He also, with unconditional love, graciously provided the only true and complete solution, as mentioned above.)

Oh, God!

Unclean
I am unclean.
Cleanse me.

Oh God,

Please cleanse me.

Unclean
I am unclean.

Cleanse me,

Oh God,

From the inside out. 

(God is the only One that can truly help us.

The previous stanza has been my battle cry for so very long and I truly believe that this lies at the heart of all who know that they are living contradictory to the ways in which they know to be what is right.

As mentioned before, no matter how deeply we wash our physical selves, we will never be rid of our eternal, forever-lasting, shit.

That requires One outside of our own selves, that has lived without sin/stain, to ultimately save us for eternity, so that we all may experience wonderful, love filled, communion with all other 'like minded' human beings, as well as, 'other-worldy', heavenly beings.)

Why/How Do I Continue to Believe in God?

I had a very good friend of mine ask me this question recently.

I did my best to give an accurate/appropriate response, but we ran out of time and the party went on.

Since then, however, I have not been able to shake his question. It is one I have rarely, if ever, inquired of myself.

I have (almost) always been confident in my faith, but why/how did I get to that point? Was it a product of my upbringing as a pastor's child? Sure, that definitely played a major part, but why (as an adult) have I continued to hold onto the belief in God despite doubts and tribulation?

My good friend (you know who you are); you have gratefully caused me to think, deeply. I wish I could have given you a more precise answer when you originally asked, but honestly; I was not sure myself. At least I did not know exactly how to put it into words well enough. I do not remember, exactly, how I responded, but here are my thoughts since then. (I will not try to get too technical or 'Christian' here, because that is for a different blog, at a different time.)

I continue to believe, because when I reflect on my past I cannot help to attribute where I am now to mere chance, or a product of my own design. To leave it to chance would cheapen my gratitude.

Grace, to me, means so much more than mere chance. To leave my life in the slippery hands of luck would give me a more flippant perspective on life and it's consequences. I would not care about the decisions that I made because 'my luck would not have ran out', yet.

But to believe in grace is to surrender to the mercy of One who has both the right and authority to save, or damn, me as He wills toward my ultimate good. It is not just 'a roll of the die'. What I mean is: I believe in a Father that has always had my best interest in mind. His law was written for my ultimate benefit. His law was written in Love, and when I break His law; He has provided grace to cover my transgressions.

It is not fair. That is why I am forever grateful. Love (God) has always, and will forever, have my best interest in mind.

Believing in Love (God), also gives me a responsibility to live in Love myself.

To step outside the bounds of Love is to sin.

That is where we find all consequence. This is the source of all our grief.

To submit to Love Unconditional is to accept, graciously, the responsibility of reciprocating that Love as best as we can toward our fellow man.

I continue to believe in Love (God) because, even when I fail miserably, which I often do; I know that there is mercy (another day, another chance).

This Love is what I try my best to mirror because everyone craves/needs it. Without this perspective, and without drawing on Love (God) outside myself; I would not be capable of extending the Love that everyone craves/needs without my own selfish motivations.

Kindness: Gather Some Perspective

Let me ask you a question.

What would you respond to better as a human being, kindness or criticism?

The answer may be obvious, but why then are we always so cruel to one another? Why do we not treat others as we would like to be treated?

A lot of times we may think our criticisms are constructive, but I feel at times this may do more harm than good. There is such a thing as tough love, but I feel like there is a line that we too often cross. We can rebuke one another with kindness, in a way the other knows we care for them and their best interest.

Kindness and encouragement, I have found, do much more for people than any other alternative.
When we seek to build one another up, selflessly, people flourish and, usually, the loving kindness is reciprocated. On the flipside, when we criticize each other, people are left to wither and their talent is wasted. I wonder how many people could have changed the world for better, until someone shot them down..

We are all too quick to judge. It comes easier than the alternate because I believe we look for other's flaws instead of their qualities. We eagerly await them to fail so we can point out how they failed and bring them to our level.

We do not know what others are going through at any given time. We should know each other better than we do, but we never take the time to dig deep with one another. We often times keep one another at arm's length because we fear what others will think about us. We look at others with a skewed lense because it makes us feel better about how awful we are as people most of the time.

We instead need to shift our focus to the good in each other. If we all do this; magic happens. The impossible becomes possible. We serve to help each other succeed and, therefore, everyone ends up succeeding in their own ways for the betterment of humanity.

Lastly, it is said that kindness leads to repentance. One of the hardest things to do is to forgive someone who has wronged us. I believe choosing to love our enemy (someone who has wronged us in some way), is the best route to repentance and reconciliation from said enemy.

'But I do not want to be reconciled to my enemy!' you may say.

I say, 'Life is too short to remain in contention with one another.'

Be the better person, swallow your pride, and humbly return your enemy's attacks with love. You will be amazed the effect this has on someone. After all, our enemy is most likely hurting worse than we are and are just acting out of their own hurt.

We are all hurting in one way or another, just like the next person.

If we choose to take the time to really know one another; we will learn we are more alike than we thought. It is time consuming, yes, but the deep relationships we could forge will make it worth the effort in the long run.

Let us all choose to love one another with long suffering in the hope that we will all help one another live the best lives we have to the, yet unrealized, potential we have to live.

What Does It Mean to Have Faith?

Sometimes it scares me to think that my whole life and the decisions I make every day are based off of the words of one man who lived thousands of years ago.

The Christian faith is entirely based on believing this one man is good to his word, but I do not think this is such a stretch to believe in.

Every day we take people at their word, until they break it.

Some people are good to their word and, therefore, trustworthy.

Others have proven the opposite, and it takes a long time to regain the faith we had in them from the start.

Sometimes regained faith in someone never happens.

The fact remains, however, that we always put our faith in several different people every day, and if they fail us, than we no longer trust them.

The difference between me and my non-Christian friends is that I continue to choose every day to believe this one man's words.

Recently, I have decided to read all the words recorded by this one man alone.

I have not begun, to be honest, but I am very interested to see exactly all that this man said and chose to leave unsaid.

I do know he often went against the religious norm of his time and that his example still challenges all who believe in him to this day.

Every day we live by faith, whether we think we are or not; whether we believe in God or not.

We can count on the sun rising. We believe in wind, though we cannot see it, because we can feel it and see evidence of it among the trees. We also know the moon and the stars will be in the night sky, as they always have been. Et cetera.

If we think about the Christian faith, it really does not require much of us. It requires faith, of course, but that should not be too hard for us since we already put faith in a lot of different things, and people, every day.

Jesus Christ ascended into heaven after raising Himself from the dead a couple thousand years ago (This I have taken on faith.), but He has yet to accomplish all He said before He left this Earth.

While He was here, on Earth, He proved Himself trustworthy. Therefore, I have personally chosen to believe He will continue to be good to His word.

All that is really expected of every one is to continue to trust that He will be good to all He said before He left this Earth.

Jesus Christ pushed against the religious norm of His time, therefore, I too will push against the religious norm of my time, as long as it clashes with anything that He said.

We all choose to follow something, or someone, and I have chosen to put my faith in the man Jesus Christ.

I believe you should too.

Brokenness

The brokenness we see in our world, mirrors the brokenness within ourselves, yet we often ignore the latter in trying to fix the former. 

Most often we disregard that which is broken in us, or we choose, instead, to numb ourselves to it in search of escape. 

This ignorance causes us, unknowingly or not, to sow more broken seeds to the world, thus creating the viscous cycle we so desperately want to remedy.

Rarely does the brokenness we see around us magnify that which is within our hearts and we take notice. 

To those in which this does happen, consider it a gift. You have come to realize the real source of all that is wrong in the world.

We are a broken people.

We must look upon that which is wrong within us and, instead of running from it, we should seek to rectify it. 

We all should seek to renew that which is broken in ourselves first and foremost. 

Once this is done, we must then pursue helping others heal from their own seen, or unseen, brokenness because we ourselves have first come to understand what it means to be broken and have found the solution to becoming whole. 

For many of us, our brokenness is different, but for a lot of us it may also be the same. This is why we not only need to face our own brokenness, but once we find healing we should seek to help those who may be broken just like us. 

Healing may come differently for different people and many of us know too well time does not always heal all wounds. 

I personally have found my hope and healing in the man Jesus Christ and believe Him to be the only true path to complete wholeness. 

For some that may not be what you want to find wholeness from, but this should not deter you from seeking healing for yourselves and then for others. Sans Jesus, do what you can with what you have and then choose help others wade through their mess as well. 

Once we all put this to practice, all that is wrong in the world should slowly, but surely, become mended. 

A Glimpse Into My Journal

Today I am trying something new. I will be posting the script from one of my journal entries (dated: 05.10.2015). It may be a bit personal, yes, but I am trying to keep on track with honesty to y'all so here it goes.

Recently, I have struggled with loneliness. I thought I had found friendship in my coworkers (since then, it appears I have. Something I am grateful for.) and I know I have not been the brightest light to them, but I was trying to earn friendship first before digging deeper. Perhaps those bridges are still being built (I believe, now, they are getting somewhere).

I have also felt as though I have been failing God recently, but He has been continually showing me His love and has been opening my eyes to His faithfulness and grace.

To have faithfulness one must live up to the trust they have been given by another.

God is always faithful, so it is a wonder that it has been so difficult to put my full trust in Him when He has proved Himself time and again.

I am grateful for this time, as rough as it has been at times, because I have developed a deeper and more real understanding of God's grace and love towards me. I am still learning to put my trust in that because I tend to think very poorly of myself, but I truly believe what I have known in my head so long is finally taking residence in my heart.

There is still work to be done, of course, but I am grateful that the process has begun and that I have been given the ability to recognize it. This has been an answer to prayer.

I am learning a lot as I still stumble along mostly blind, but God is making progress within me, albeit slowly it seems. That is my own fault, however, due to my hesitance in completely trusting Him. I am making progress though and that gives me joy and peace.

Selfishness is still a large thorn in my side that tends to reveal itself in many ways. I know there is much I fail at daily and that I can do better, but I do not want to just make rules to abide by because that is not where true healing and change come from.

I must continually lean on God's grace and know that it is sufficient. Out of that trust He will continue the good work He has begun in me. I just hope that He will use me for His glory in the meantime.

Love is my focus, though I fail at that so often.

I will continue to try and trust God will make up for the rest.