For too long I believed there was something inherently wrong with me. I never seemed to measure up, never seemed to get anything right. I knew I was always being watched, so God forbid I ever fucked up publicly.
When you are put on a pedestal, you learn to keep your sins hidden. All that does is allow the filth to fester and create quite the double life riddled with anxiety and paranoia. Who can you turn to after all? It felt like nobody. I kept such a face I was mistaken for God once. Little did they know how human I actually was as a post-pubescent teenager.
For whatever reason I have never had difficulty making friends and apparently admirers. Perhaps it was my quick wit and humor that won everyone over, but I honestly think it was because I never judged anyone. Something about being there for people where they are and truly listening/empathizing with them works. Weird right? It shouldn't be. We are all our own messes.
With time I discovered how to let myself be known. At first the anxiety and paranoia were still there, but as I slowly released my own darkness to those I trusted and found out they did not just recoil and promptly reject me; I realized I am not alone after all. Oh, I can breathe without having to look over my shoulder?! Thank God you can relate! In time I became convinced nothing is really worth hiding and I ran with that, for better or worse.
I will say people are more prone to open up when you take the initiative. I think we need more of that dynamic in our relationships. What we are so afraid of is usually nothing in the end. Our habit of psyching ourselves out either keeps us frozen in regret, or coming up with a half truth scenario we think the other/s would like to hear. As terrifying it may seem, honesty is always the best course of action. Not only is it healthy for your own well being, but it helps to separate the chaff from the wheat.
This blog has served as a sort of open journal for me in the past. I wrote what I was not entirely comfortable talking about in person with anyone. At first, I was terrified, but I soon found out a lot of people related to what I was saying, so I kept writing. It not only helped my confidence to grow, but it taught me a lot in the process. I am no longer afraid to say it like it is and I only write now if I feel it serves to speak truth and hopefully help others.
It is an entirely different world when you accept who you are and learn to love yourself. It took me a long time, but it changed everything for me! When you come to know your worth and believe the words spoken by those you love; it changes you. No longer do you feel the need to hide and life seems primed to bless you. You learn to take care of yourself and the rain cloud that has haunted you your entire life turns to clear skies. Clarity is finally born and you begin to wonder how you lived so differently for so long.
Everyone deserves to feel comfortable in their own skin, and if you find yourself struggling to accept yourself please reach out. I for one am here to listen and help you realize your worth. We all have something to offer. Most do not realize it until it is put out there. You could be pleasantly surprised!
Stop hating yourself and punishing yourself for mistakes you have made. The torture only makes it worse on yourself and those around you. Own your mistakes, but learn from them and choose to grow. You are beautiful and your story deserves to be told.
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