Selfishness: A Painful Existence

This will be another long one friends, but I have learned a lot in a short period of time, and it is only fair for me to continue sharing with you all.

Perhaps if I were to try writing it more in story form you would stay interested. ;)

Here we go.

It was a cold, blustery day in the hundred acre wood..

Just kidding. That would be plagiarism.

It was a cold day, but it was in Seattle. It warranted a flannel and jeans, but nothing more. It was not even raining, surprisingly (each time I have visited Seattle, it has not rained lol).

I was on a business trip.

Some of you may not know, but I have been working for a moving company since I moved to Idaho, basically.

Two Men and A Truck has turned out to be a very positive opportunity for me. The job has allowed me to travel to several states I never would have had the free time to visit on my own.

I have been to: Washington, Oregon, Utah, Colorado, and Northern Idaho.

You might be saying to yourselves that Northern Idaho is not different than Idaho Proper, but you have not personally seen the difference, and so your argument is invalid.

Since I began this particular blog; I have been on a new adventure. My wife and I went to the Northern California coast. We stayed amongst the land of the Yurok. They are a coastal tribe of Native Americans, and their land is mesmerizing.

Upon the river, outside our B&B, there were local sea lions and tribal speed boats, constantly keeping an eye on everything.

We were in awe.

Everything on this vacation of ours was wonderful. It was necessary. For me, it allowed a lot of thinking, reflection, and relaxation.

I could go on, and on, about it, but our story begins in Seattle.

Never mind that it was the city of the Seahawks, which I was born to root for (without shame).

I was out of town for work. We rode the public transit to the heart of downtown. There was a lot of 'people watching' on my part. My phone was dead. Coincidence? I think not.

The shuttle from the hotel introduced us to a middle aged couple scantily clad en route to a strip club. We soon found out they were swingers, from the driver, after they had left the shuttle.

Once on the train, I observed an oriental family board and discuss what they were to do next. The son always seemed uninterested. He was obviously exhausted and just wanted to close his eyes, if only for a moment.

I watched a very high couple of friends board the transit (pot is legal there). We ran into them throughout the evening.

When we arrived downtown we tried looking for a place to eat. We decided on the Hard Rock Cafe.

Nothing else was open.

As we entered, we witnessed two young women exiting the restaurant. One asked the other, 'Are you going to take this acid now, or not?!' (There were also several women way beyond their limit, stumbling down the street near Pike's Place at the same time.)

It was a lot to absorb in a short amount of time. I could not help but contemplate.

Life sucks in a lot of ways. There are a lot of people who are hurting and trying to cope. There are a lot of ways we try and cope. We all destroy ourselves, or those around us, in the pursuit of escaping the pain.

In the dank smell of the subway, the cold, salty air of Seattle, the reek of marijuana, the sounds of the city; I discovered something, and I became humbled.

Not only am I not alone in pain, but there are those in worse condition than I. This seems like common sense, but let us be honest with ourselves; we ignore the pain of others around us because we are trying to ignore the pain in our own lives. Let us open our eyes!

My eyes were, graciously, opened to the pain of others around me on that trip. Thank God my phone was dead, or I may have never resumed my insight into other's pain.

For some reason, I have always been sensitive to other's emotions. I used to joke that I am an Empath, like a character out of Star Trek.

I lost my compassion. I became distracted by my own pain. I got too caught up in all I was going through personally, that I lost sight of everyone else's troubles. I never meant for that to happen. I became as a ship lost at sea. The admiral became so focused on the devastation around his own ship that he failed to observe the rest of his fleet becoming splinters..

The purpose of this blog is to apologize. I have since been reminded that there are those suffering more than I, and my foot has never tasted so ghastly. My hope is to never again lose focus of the pain of those around me, in order that I may exercise compassion as they so crave.

I will continue to be honest in my writings. It should continue to push the boundaries and, hopefully, continue to provide comfort, and encouragement, to others that they are not alone. Though my several previous blogs were mainly journal entries made public; you all have responded beyond anything I ever expected. I admit I was working through a lot of things personally, but you all allowed my heart to bleed. You all responded well, and you have helped me along the path of healing.

I was selfish in a lot of ways. I became more focused on my own pain, than those around me. Yes this helped me to heal personally, but I do regret that I was not able to remain sensitive to everyone else in my life.

Selfishness is a sneaky bitch, is it not? It is the thorn so deeply imbedded in us all, that it is almost impossible to recognize, much less remove.

Selfishness/Self-love/Self-preservation seems so natural, but it is not. We were not meant to look out for ourselves. If we were all to look out for those around us with disregard to our own needs/desires, than all needs/desires would be fulfilled.

Instead we all look out for ourselves, and we all still live in pain. We cannot fulfill ourselves. We were meant for communal love.

Please come along aside me in the pursuit of loving others, without any agenda. My eyes have been opened, and though I will still fail; I will strive to make sure those I love know that I truly love them.

Let us help each other move on from the painful existence of selfishness, and instead pursue the building up of one another.

Only then can anything worthwhile be accomplished.

Existential Crisis

All who read this blog are somewhat familiar with my struggles.

All who know me, hopefully, know that I try to always be blatantly honest.

I had a different blog in the works, but what I am about to write has recently weighed heavily on my heart.

Tonight, I am going to get even more personal than I have ever been before.

'How can this be?', you may ask.

Well like every person revealing/discovering themselves; it is a progressive process.

Several months ago, I wrote a blog about how I continue to believe in God.

I still stand by that blog, to an extent..

I have no idea who God is outside of the man Jesus Christ, and who He claimed to be (as well as all He said). All my knowledge comes from my upbringing, and the personal thoughts/journey I have partook in. I also do not doubt that some thoughts were influenced beyond my own personal 'wisdom'.

Only my wife, Maribeth, knows what I am about to say.

I love her so much.

She is the reason I have hope, and still hold onto the unconditional love expressed by Christ.

Maribeth has always, genuinely loved me through everything.
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God, to me, is ambiguous.

The Old Testament depicts an apparently wrath-filled God, full of vengeance.

I see this as well, and would also be appalled, but I also understand where God is coming from, to an extent. (Let us not forget that if there is an ultimate Superior Being, than they would be ultimately knowledgable in all things. Therefor, we as mere mortals cannot assume, nor contemplate, the motives of the Almighty, since His ways will always be higher than ours.)

Some of my friends argue that God held the stance of grace throughout all existence.

I understand, and stand by their thoughts.

Perhaps the views of God, depicted by fallen men throughout our existence, were skewed.

Perhaps not.

Only a superior being would know, right?
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In the beginning God set the parameters of human existence, and humanity broke it. (That is the story, and it is the one that best explains the shit of this world that we all experience and participate in to this day.)

Humanity rebelled. God became jealous because we were no longer His perfect creation.

He did not hate us--quite the opposite.

Because of His perfect love; He had no reason, but to be angry.

Imagine the person you most loved rebelling against you, and choosing another..

You would also be vehemently angry. You would, also, want some sort of retribution.

God allowed humanity to play out it's sinful course, for a time, yet, He always had a plan.

Yes, He got angry.

Yes, He orchestrated events questionable to the human mind, yet; God always had 'the earth/humanity in His hands'.

Again, try to remember how you would feel.

Multiply that infinitely.

Our own vengeance would be quite trivial and fucked up in comparison.

The history of humanity is scarred by sinful acts committed by fallen people, and because of God's nature of perfection; this has always rubbed God the wrong way.

THIS is why God came up with a plan that we can all trace throughout history--since the beginning--through His Word (the Bible).

Yes, the Bible has been interpreted thousands of times, but it has also remained a powerful influence on humanity.

Some things may have been lost in translation, but they were minor details. (We all know there are several ways to say many different things that portray the same concept..)
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I know this is a longer blog than expected.

I hope I have held your attention up to this point.

I have made a defense of God, which I stand behind, but the truth of the matter is: I have lost all faith in His 'church'.

The church is supposed to be His 'body', taking care of all the rest of the 'body' if one part is injured/hurt.

I understand the pursuit of seeking God in order to understand all He is about, but what about the rest of the scum (like us) on this earth?

Most 'christians' throw that 'call' like chaff to the fucking wind..

Where is the healing 'Body of Christ', bought by a human like us (who never sinned/failed)?

Most get trapped by the pursuit of perfection/becoming theologically sound.

This is also is sinful, to an extent.

Yes, we are told to become perfect as Christ was perfect, but the fact of the matter is; we will not obtain perfection 'this side of heaven'.

Instead, we should strive to love as much as Christ did. (Most people miss this factor of love because they are blinded by their own pursuit of personal perfection that can never be obtained in this life.)

Christ was perfect, and, therefore, completes all sinful humanity (if they choose to believe).

To acknowledge our own debased, 'natural' humanity, is the first step. In order to truly relate to our fellow fallen humans, we need to stop pretending we are 'okay'. Yes, we believe in Jesus, and what He did for humanity. Yes, we feel the call, and motivation, to become more like Christ. We all, also forget.

Jesus dined and drank with prostitutes and thieves. When is the last time you sat down with 'heathens', and truly loved them and enjoyed their company? This is all Jesus ever did, so readjust your judgmental mind. You are as fucked up, and in need of grace as the serial killer/corrupt politician/pedophile/whore/whatever you despise most, next to you.

We have forgotten how to love. We have been filled with a sugar coated version of love.
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A lot of times, no one recognizes their own need for external help..

Fuck perfection.

Fuck 'keeping face'.

My best friends are 'nonbelievers', but they have more love in their hearts than most 'believers' I have met.

I have tasted a lot of darkness, therefore, I understand a lot of people.

Perfection is a virtuous, yet useless pursuit. We will always fall short. We all are destined for the wages of sin, death.

The utmost humanity can hope for is an unwavering faith in what Jesus said, and did, in the 30ish years He lived amongst us.

This may not be PC, but fuck all other faiths.

All, but the leadership of Christ, pursues the path of finding perfection in our own selves.

We either pursue, and achieve, nirvana, or we strive to trample on all humanity in order to seek the highest 'heaven'.

Modern 'christians' seem to be no different. They seem to rely on their own strengths (pridefully), instead of relying (humbly) on the works of Jesus.
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The term Christian was a derogatory term at the beginning.

It means: 'little Christ'.

There was a symbol, Ichthus (most call it a Jesus fish), that remains prominent even today.

My first tattoo is of Ichthus on the inside of my right middle finger.

I meant no disrespect by the placement of the tattoo.

To me, being called a 'little Christ' is the highest honor because God swooned over His Son, who died to save humanity, and because of that; humanity/all creation was redeemed.

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Christ loved the least of these. He saw their value as His creation, though they were scarred and torn up by the curse of sin. It is because of His love that they all found redemption when they communed with Him.

All people should taste that redemption and the Church has royally fucked up in providing that love for humanity worldwide, however, there are those who have understood throughout history, and have been used by God in a great way.

It was Him who said that the first shall be last, and the last shall be first. Think about that. Most have strived to be as 'perfect as they can be', but they have overlooked all opportunities to love the least of these in their vain pursuit of perfection. They will stand before God, ashamed, someday.

I, like Paul, know that I have fucked up a lot, and am most deserving of God's wrath, but because of my belief in Jesus, I know that His wrath is satiated in His own Son's (Jesus) death. I have given up my pursuit of perfection. It is a vain pursuit. The only way to be perfect, is to accept what Christ did for all humanity. Like the book of Romans laid out, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. It also stated that the wages of sin is death.

Death is the result of sin. God's original design was to live among us eternally. We threw that away, and have been cursed ever since. If we had only eaten of the fruit of eternal life, than we would all be living in Eden to this day. Instead, we learned of good and evil. We sinned, and have tried to juggle good and evil ever since. No matter what; we all still die someday and we will all give an account to God in the end.

Death does not have to be feared, though. It happens for everyone. For those with eternal hope, there is no fear in death, but relief. We should strive to provide all people with this confident hope.
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I have alluded to this, but what only my wife knows (and what this blog is about), is that I lack faith/confidence in the 'faith' I was raised in.

I cannot let go of what Jesus Christ did, and claimed to be, but that does not mean I have not doubted.

Perhaps this is because of how I was raised, but I believe it is more than that (I have been on the verge of renouncing said faith several times, but there has always been 'Someone', who I believe, has brought me back).

There is a lot I do not understand, but when searching my own self and personal beliefs (no matter how close I was to giving up on the faith I was raised in) I could never doubt Jesus. If one truly studies Him, they will find a person full of love and compassion. He had His rage, but it was for good reason. In fact, it was always in opposition of the religious establishment of His time.
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I was in a church service last week and felt out of place. I had not been there in a couple months.

This may have had something to do with it, but I was also on the music team.

Playing music for the church can be a blessing, but also a curse (as Monk would say).

There is something about playing music/being involved with a band, that takes you somewhere 'beyond'.

Music is eternal, and the one thing that all creation can relate to, together.

I also dislike feeling obligated. I dislike the feeling of 'going through the motions', and unfortunately that happens all the time in the modern day church.

There are stigmas associated with the general 'church', and it is for good reason.

I still want to serve with the talents given me, and still feel fulfilled exercising those talents (whether or not they are trivial in the end).

Feeling out of place made me think, and ultimately led to this blog.

The sermon was about whether I truly believed in Christ as the perfect Savior, or not.

I did not have a perfect answer, but felt I was close to that.

In all honesty, as is my custom; I have never had a 'spiritual experience'.

I am sorry to those who thought differently, but I honestly believe my 'experiences' were mostly influenced by peer pressure, and what was expected of me.
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THE existential crisis I am experiencing is whether, or not, God is truly real.

I am 99% confident in Jesus' message, and strive to be like Him (even though I always fail miserably).

I understand the Holy Spirit is supposed to be our help and guide, but have yet to sincerely experience that practically.

I get caught up in perfectionism, but strive to be myself, yet still seek to better myself with help beyond what humanity can offer.

I have been at the brink of giving up several times. Why I still hold on to hope? I do not know. I am tired of just holding on. I am tired of failing. I want to love and be loved. I have found that in some uncommon places, but most of all I have found it in my wife, my family, and my friends. Perhaps, they reflect Love more than they know. Perhaps, I have trouble understanding when I am being loved because I focus too much on how much I have failed. I am trying to be better at being grateful for the love surrounding me. I am trying to share that love with others as best as I can. I know I still get caught up in my own self-centeredness, but I hope you all have sensed compassion and care from me in some form or fashion.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for allowing me to speak my heart, and continuing to read, and love me despite what I say.

I couldn't do this without this, and without all of you. I love all of you and although I fail, I hope at least that shines through.

Worry, Joy, Regret..

Have you ever sat/lain alone with your own thoughts?

Have they kept you up at night? 

I am sure they have consisted of either worry/excitement for tomorrow,  pain/joy from today, or regret/fondness of the past.

WORRY

Personally, I have never really struggled with worry... much.

In fact I have been seen by others as so chill, that I was accused of being a stoner, before I even understood what that meant. 

There have been plenty of times I have experienced excitement for what lies ahead. I do not think that is wrong, per say, but we are not guaranteed tomorrow, so it is pointless.

We have all been conditioned to believe that 'we will live to see another day', and for the most part, we can almost count on it, but the truth is: tomorrow is never guaranteed.

JOY

For me has been an ever fleeting mirage..

I know it is different from happiness -- in the sense that joy is a choice despite one's circumstance, whereas happiness is a result of one's circumstance..

Joy, in the pit of life, however, has eluded me, and seems to always elude me..

REGRET

'Hello Darkness, my very old friend..'

It appears my mind was fashioned to be stuck in rewind, and then re-watch..

It is the river, I believe, that feeds the streams of my many 'smaller struggles'.

Regret may has well have been my middle name..

//

I always think over the many ways I have fucked up in my life.

This has become a constant cycle of despair.

I fuck up. I feel despair.

I drink excessively, and then fuck up again.

I feel more despair.

And so the cycle goes..

Believe me; I have tried hard to break the cycle, to no avail.

I know Jesus Christ is the answer, but honestly; I get to the point (sometimes) where I doubt even He can help me..

//

There have been times where I have come to a point where I have given up on the religion I was raised in..

But Someone has always brought me back.

I will never give up on the man/God: Jesus Christ.

Chalk it up to being raised as a pastor's kid if you want, but I believe it is more than that.

Think what you will about Him, but what He did for humanity will forever be the most beneficial event to humanity than any human could have done on his/her own.

//

Yes, Jesus Christ is an anomaly.

That is the point.

We are meant to search out truth.

The fact that there is some ambiguity to Jesus makes everyone search his/her own heart, and then reach out in faith, in order to make their own decision.

We all take things based upon faith everyday. (The sun will rise tomorrow, I will wake up the next morning after sleeping through the night, etc.)

None of that is guaranteed, yet we still take it all for granted.

May we all choose wisely.

Life or Death

Today, I will be discussing our humanity as I currently see it.

This is something I have thought much about, and have researched in some regard. 

I will strictly explore my struggle with, and my thoughts in, thinking through this topic. 

I am no theologian, nor do I claim to be, so I hope no one comes into my blogs with that sole purpose in mind. 

Of course, I would love if you all learned with me through my penned struggles, but I do not want to be seen as an authority to govern your own beliefs. That is not my place, and I truly do not qualify in any way (not many people do)!

But, if my foolishness can be used as a tool for learning and wisdom, than so be it. I would be so glad to learn together!

I will start with this thought: Adam and Eve were given permission to eat of any fruit in the garden of Eden, including the Tree of Life. The only one forbidden was, of course, the one they went for; the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. 

The fact that they ate of this tree first was so devastating, that God had no choice but to kick them out of the Garden, and place an angelic guard around it. 

God did this so that Adam and Eve would not also eat of the Tree of Immortality, and therefore, live as eternally, sin-filled humans. 

With consequence, Adam and Eve would spawn more eternally sinful humans, who could also partake of the same immortal fruit (if immortality was not passed down genetically).

If Adam and Eve were to eat of the Immortal Fruit first, and never touch the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, than God's plan for humanity would have worked out wonderfully. Humanity would live in eternal, shameless communion with God.

But, humanity screwed up and took the wrong fruit. 

Since then, GOD has done what He could to set His original plan in motion.

It took thousands of years because of the sinful human heart interfering, but when God became man in Jesus, a solution was finally implemented. 

As it has always been, humanity has been given the free will to choose the 'fruit of immortality', which is received by believing in the grace of God through the sacrifice of Jesus, or to reject the 'fruit'  provided in favour of our sinful ways. 

Each fruit has it's own consequence, and when Adam and Eve ate of the forbidden fruit, sin entered the human race forever. 

To not choose the fruit of immortality provided through the death and resurrection of Christ, would be to choose our ultimate demise: death upon death (both physical and eternal).

The fruit of sin (death) has already been chosen for us because we are all born into it, but we still have the choice of immortality as we continue to breathe in this life, by the unconditional grace of God.

It truly is as simple as receiving the ripe fruit of grace, but because the fruit of sin sours our stomach, we no longer desire the fruit of immortality provided through Christ. 

Again, since the dawn of man we have been given a choice: life or death. 

We chose death. 

We satisfied an immediate desire with the consequence of an eternal demise, but our loving Father still provided a way out. 

Carpe diem my friends.

Towards Broken Hearts

Adulterous, 

I wear a scarlet letter!

It is no wonder they found me out,

With all my sleeping around.

So, they dragged me to the courtyard,

To try me for all I had done.

I asked them, "Have you been perfect?

Are you ever without flaw?"

But, with contempt in their eyes;

They spit on me

As they shoved me to the ground!

Like trebuchets towards my broken heart,

They armed their hands with jagged stones! 

I caught the eye of one in the crowd

Whose hands were empty..

He came my way and knelt with me;

My companion in condemnation.

This man, in the dirt,

Wrote with his finger.

He then asked of them,

"Who here, is without flaw?

Thou may cast the first stone."

They, in turn, disarmed themselves, 

And with sorrow in their eyes;

They walked away. 

Where are they going? 

Why have they fled?

Do they not know;

I am deserving of death?

I shifted my gaze toward 

My new found friend and I 

saw compassion in his eyes. 

Why compassion?

Who am I, that you have shown me mercy? 

Who am I, that you even care? 

That is when he said, 

"I have seen your brokenness, and I 

Declare forgiveness. 

I do not damn you and I 

Never will."

At last, He embraced me, 

And then He walked away.

I was left free at last!

My Eulogy For You

I was not there when you left this world,

But I was at your funeral.

And try as I might 

I could not find 

One thing to say.

I am sorry I left you that way.

It is not that I do not love you,

Nor that you ever failed me.

I just could not believe you were gone.

My mind and heart could not cope,

So instead they froze.

I could not escape 

The nostalgic state.

I wish you were still here

Greeting me with kisses,

Allowing me to read in your lap.

Your love was infectious.

Your kindness was pure,

And we all know for sure;

You left your mark

On all of our hearts. 

Yet Always It Seems..

I cannot fathom the plateau without first the pit..

I attended a concert this last weekend. 

It was the band Underøath. 

Another great band was there, Caspian, who opened the show. 

Underøath has been, and will always be, one of my all time favorite bands. 

They broke up about 3 years ago, but recently got back together and are currently doing a Rebirth tour. 

We attended their show here in Boise.

My best friend and his lovely wife flew into town to visit my lovely wife and I, as well as, see this show with us. 

Ryan and I were each other's best men and have been best friends since high school. 

We have also been in a band together. 

Underøath was a band that helped to forge the bond we still have to this day, and they have influenced our music for as long as I can remember.  

Recently, in my current band (TREBUCHET), I have been struggling with some doubt and fear. 

I want so badly to be a part of the scene my band is trying to be in and I love making music, but I also love playing it more. 

I want to make a difference through it. 

I could do it in another genre, but I have come to realize that the emotions I want people to relate to, and that I need to express, cannot sufficiently be executed outside the genre TREBUCHET is in. 

Perhaps this is because my musical interest began in this scene, but no matter the reason; it is where I belong, and I will not be giving up any time soon. 

Something that has helped me come to this conclusion was the recent Underøath concert I attended with my good friends and band mates, past and present.

It was a glorious experience. 

Caspian played, and we had a wonderful time. 

It was an excellent start to what would be an unforgettable night. 

Just before Underøath came on, the fire alarm went off in the venue and we all had to evacuate. 

This would have been a bummer, but I got to high five the keyboardist from Underøath on my way out. 

AWESOME!

Once things were resolved, we got back into place, as best as we could, as we anticipated the return of our favorite band, who we all thought were dead and gone for good. 

The beginning of their set was awesome!

Their plan was to play through their first two albums, front to back.

So much glorious nostalgia. 

I stood there jumping with my guitarists, past and present, but I also watched as the other vocalist in my band (Lane) ran into what we all call a 'pit'. 

The 'pit' is a mass of people going crazy with, and throwing their bodies at, each other. 

It is incredible!

Slowly, a strong desire began to brew within me.

I had not been a part of a pit much in the past shows I'd been to, because I had always strived to be up front near the band, or I would end up standing there rocking on and enjoying the music. 

That wasn't going to suffice anymore. 

If I was going to be up front at this show, I needed to become one with the pit. 

I needed to traverse the chaos by embracing the chaos. 

So I did..

I ran full steam into the active pit. 

Everyone was so sweaty, so I, with ease, slid right up to the front. (After slipping and falling in sweat, that is.)

The atmosphere, once up front, was so electric. 

It is something I will never forget. 

This experience, amongst the chaos, reminded me of why I am so passionate about this type of music I love so much. 

It is so very hard to replicate the energy I felt.

I truly belong there. 

But I also dream to create that kind of atmosphere on stage. 

The stage can be seen as a plateau. 

I had lost sight of what I most greatly desired because of doubt and fear. 

It took me entering the chaotic pit, in order to look forward to playing from the plateau.