Recently, I celebrated one full year of complete sobriety! I had previously quit taking drugs long before I said goodbye to alcohol for good, so my freedom from alcoholism (usually the cause of the subsequent drug use) is what I am writing about today.
I sat down several times to write this, but as has been the case recently; I struggled to write. I had plenty to say and many directions I could have taken this, but none of it felt quite right. It felt almost forced and came out as sporadic word vomit as a result. I almost chose not to write anything at all, but I feel this topic is especially important yet seldom discussed. It is easier to just continue your own journey and be grateful for your victories privately. Since I have made a habit of doing my best to be authentic in my writings, and in my daily life; I have plenty of practice just letting it all out there. People seem to respond best to that approach, so why change what works?
For those yet unaware, I greatly struggled with alcoholism for most of my twenties. It started out innocent enough with the occasional beers with friends, developing a palate for a myriad of scotches and others forms of alcohol, or the occasional night cap after a particularly long day or week. Over time I built a preference for every type of alcohol there was and mostly drank because I enjoyed it. It helped me relax, calmed the noise in my head, or gave me a boost in social situations. I discovered recently, I am a learned extrovert, so I guess alcohol served as a kick starter for bringing me out of my shell. I genuinely believed it helped me be more comfortable in my own skin and brought my 'true self' out.
For a while, I truly could take it or leave it. I was just fine at parties without alcohol as I was at ones with it and I could just as easily enjoy a root beer as I did a real beer, so I am not exactly sure where and when it all went south for me. I read somewhere it is like getting caught in a pitcher plant. You are the fly or bee looking for something sweet. When you first land on the petals, you enjoy the sweet nectar and are not in much danger. Unbeknownst to you though, the nectar starts sliding you further into the gullet of the flower. By the time you realize what is happening, you are in too deep and unable to fly yourself to freedom. I believe this aptly describes what happened over the course of time. To try and pinpoint the turn in the road is both futile and does not truly matter in the end. What matters is I got in deep and never thought I would make it out. By the grace of God, I did make it out and I express my gratitude to Him daily for leading me out of the pit.
I have been asked before how I did it, so I will do my best to explain the process I went through to get to where I am today.
The first thing I should mention is this nasty addiction cost me everything before I ever had any success in recovery. I should not even be here to write this to you today, but I am so I feel the burden to speak the truth. I truly hope not everyone needs to hit bedrock before they decide things need to change.
The worst part of alcoholism, or any addiction, is you think you have hit rock bottom many times, but there is always deeper. I knew things needed to change for a long time before I ever did anything about it. The problem is, you get so deep not only are you used to the drowning after a while, but you also forget which way is up. You are then left with a mountain of issues you are not sure are traversable. Alcohol fogs up your mind and takes you to some very dark places mentally, so to try and muster any courage or confidence in making a change is nearly impossible. By this point, you have stacked up countless regrets, many of which you try and forget with even more alcohol. Hopefully, there comes a tipping point where you no longer are too prideful or ashamed to reach out for help, but fear of admitting the struggle is what keeps most in the thick of it. It is simply easier to keep ignoring the problem and putting it off for another day.
Since I no longer had anything more to lose, I started from square one. It is incredibly disorienting not knowing who you are anymore, and the feeling is exacerbated when left in the environment which served as the catalyst for all your brokenness. So, the first thing I did was leave said environment that perpetuated my problem. This was a huge step at the time and led to my first tastes of victory, but I quickly found out a change of scenery, with all its excitement and newfound determinations are not enough. Your problems follow you and, when not dealt with properly, will rear their ugly head again.
My first real breakthrough in stringing several sober days together came after I decided to join a program. I started learning all I could about alcohol, heard how others had overcome, and did my best to put all suggestions to practice. I learned a lot and took several important steps during those first few months. At first it was stop and go and what once was daily drinking morphed into binge drinking. Things were starting to change though! I had to remind myself sometimes when progress seemed slow or I had taken a step back, at least progress was being made, however minor. At the very least, I was moving forward, learning in the process, instead of remaining stagnant as before.
Up to this point, I had mostly been walking this path alone. I think I needed to for a while to give myself some time for trial and error, as well as slowly build my confidence with every small victory. Aside from family, I kept my journey mostly to myself. The small victories added up as knowledge grew and eventually got to a place I felt comfortable being sober. Weeks began to pile up and it no longer felt like such a chore holding back. I had found alcohol free alternatives I thoroughly enjoyed, a major boon early on, and started enjoying things I had long forgotten about again. I once again developed an appetite more furious than I remembered it ever being and began enjoying food again, both cooking and eating it. I was transitioning out of squalor and survival mode into genuinely enjoying life and all the little things which had become background noise over the years.
Then, I made friends again. I cannot express enough the pivotal importance this factor played in my recovery. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, puts it this way; "Convincing someone to change their mind is really the process of convincing someone to change their tribe. If they abandon their beliefs, they run the risk of losing social ties. You can't expect someone to change their mind if you take away their community too. You have to give them somewhere to go. Nobody wants their worldview torn apart if loneliness is the outcome." In my case, I had already left any tribe I had known and had difficulty finding a new one to connect to. I was a scrawny, lone wolf starving for a pack. My choices made me an island and I was desperate for a ship to pass by during my long, dark night. This is another wicked consequence of alcoholism. The further you go, the more isolated and lonelier you become. You feel the heavy burdens you have placed on yourself and those you once held dear. You are afraid to reach out for connection because you do not want to hurt anyone else, so you choose to continue suffering alone.
It was during these vagabond days my beliefs changed. There was no risk of losing social ties, so it provided me the freedom to learn and change on my own. It may very well be a necessary ingredient to recovery having the space to process, but part of me believes I would have tasted victory sooner had I reconnected to a healthy community sooner. The community I ended up finding towards the edge of complete sobriety was my oasis in the desert. Some of these people I knew from long ago, some were brand new to me. From someone who had a hard time trusting anyone, especially myself, I am grateful these people proved trustworthy.
At this point in my journey, I was still playing with the idea of moderating my alcohol intake. I had gone several weeks without a few times, so my self-confidence was improving. I thought if I had these new friends to keep me accountable, then I was less likely to falter. It worked for a little while, only keeping it social as at the beginning of my dealings with alcohol. When we keep the door cracked open though, our rivals sneak in without notice eventually and we are back to where we started.
I'd shared a bit of my struggle with these new friends and my new girlfriend but assured them things were now under control. I honestly believed it at the time. I hosted a game night at my home I thought lost the year before and it was a grand time! Some alcohol was left behind, which I did not think would be a problem, but the thief comes in the night to remind you of your weaknesses. With the failure complete, I came to a crossroads. Do I keep on in secret as I had for many years, or do I risk these new friendships to give honesty and humility a try? I knew the latter was the right choice if I was to ever experience true, lasting victory. I decided to own up to my mistakes and ask for help. With great fear and some literal trembling, I fessed up and it made all the difference. I went out on a limb with these people, and they responded with the grace and love I had needed for a long time.
The thing with fear is it makes you believe in lies that rob you of the chance to experience the truth. Had I once again succumbed to that fear and the lies it was speaking to me, I may very well still be battling alone. I pushed through though and was welcome with open arms. This acceptance of my humanity and the encouragement I received calling me higher was the kill shot to an awfully long battle. From that day forward, I had the courage I needed to continue facing these demons. Since I knew I was no longer fighting alone, I had the strength to press on towards victory. These friends of mine would check in on me and be there to pick me up if I faltered. They became more sensitive to the battle I had been fighting and made sure I never felt left out.
There is a sense you are at the kids table when first committing to sobriety while your friends still partake around you, but it is better than not being included at all. My wife and friends would always make sure there were alcohol-free alternatives for me at social gatherings where alcohol was present. They all expressed a tangible love towards me on a consistent basis and I believe my current success is due to their support. Instead of losing their friendship or respect, as I feared, I garnered further respect and became closer to them than I had been with anyone in a long time.
It is not easy acclimating to freedom. At the beginning, you still feel the weight of your now loosed shackles like a phantom limb. As you adjust to this new life, a new fear emerges: am I absolutely free? You begin walking in this new direction and you swear you still hear the rattling of chains. You continue walking though, one step at a time, and the sounds of your former bondage eventually fade away. Sometimes they visit you in your sleep and you wake with a start, drenched in sweat, convinced you slipped again, but as you come to your senses you feel the sweetness of freedom unlike any peace you have felt before. It was only a tremor of memories long gone as your subconscious continues to adjust. One day, you take a good look at yourself and wonder if it was all just some terrible nightmare because who you have become is such a stark contrast to who you once were. It is in those moments you can't help but be filled with gratitude and a little pride. You realize you have been transformed to a new creation and the fleeting memories now only serve as a reminder to what you are truly capable of, for better or worse.
Some of you may be wondering if I ever miss alcohol and I can honestly say I never even think about it anymore. When you give up one thing which once cost you everything and in turn gain more back than you deserve, would you miss it?
I traded years of spotted memories for the ability to be present and take in every moment. My mind once scrambled is clear, as is my conscience once riddled with guilt. I now wake up every day to my wonderful wife, when I once woke with injuries I do not remember getting or wondering how I even got home. My body now feels whole, when once it screamed at me, pleading for relief of the daily abuse I was putting it through by subjecting it to poison constantly. I can give my all at work and am considered an asset to my company, when once I was struggling just to make it through each day, fighting paranoia someone would smell it on me or worse, and counting the minutes until I could feed the monster again once home. For the first time in my life, I don't stress about finances, when once I had to decide between a crap meal or a tall boy with the alcohol winning that battle every time. I am living the life I always dreamed of, but never thought I deserved. I even learned to love myself in the process and am finally living a life of integrity. I have nothing but high hopes for the future, when once I felt utterly hopeless.
So no, I do not miss it one bit. Instead, I now hope I can somehow help others through their own long, dark nights.
